A New Direction…

Hey everyone! It’s been a while… again! So I’ve been promising you bi-weekly posts and stuff, even constant updates on Twitter. To be honest, I promise this with the best of intentions, but I fall short on consistency every single time.

I’ve done quite a bit of journaling over the last 3 weeks and I’ve come to a conclusion about why I can’t stay focused or come up with content to write here. What I have found is that I feel quite awkward talking about myself as the main topic of this blog. There are only a few days in which I actually feel like I should be center stage. I’m pretty introverted. While writing on the blog gives me a quiet space to express myself, I find that talking about ME isn’t what I really want to do.

About My Transition

First, let’s talk a little bit about my transition. I’m still on my half dose of HRT (.25ml) and it’s pretty shit. Overall I’m doing well, but I’m constantly tired, and I really struggle when I miss a shot one week. I also seem to have more acne when I’m on a lower dose of T and that is quite frustrating.

I’ve started getting exercise more often, and by started I really mean the last 2 days. It’s helping me feel more human and ready to face the world (something else is also helping with that which I’ll get to in a minute).

I’ve got more chest hair than I would really like, but I think it’s mostly due to my chest dysphoria. I’m not comfortable at all with my chest right now. Binders are usually pretty comfortable, but I have days where all I want it out.

I’d push for top surgery, but I have no way of financially taking care of the surgery, much less the month or more that I’ll have to recover, completely not working. We’re barely making it right now, and the thought of the burden of paying for the surgery and not being able to work and help provide for the family is a real concern.

Thinking about this is pretty depressing and fuels the dysphoria even more. I mostly spend time trying to work on ways to make more money, and I usually prioritize that over sitting down to write a blog post.

I don’t feel comfortable asking for help or money at all. I won’t go into details about why that is, though I have done some soul searching and figured it out. I’m working on it, but I’ll probably never be comfortable with it. I’d really rather work for it than it being given to me.

But that, in a nutshell, is how I’m doing transition-wise. That’s about all I have to report ever. The blood pressure seems to be under control so once I can get the chance to go back to the doctor I should be able to get my HRT increased again.

What I’ve Been Doing

I’ve been doing a lot of things, but I want to focus on one major thing that has impacted my life and is influencing where I’m looking to go with this blog.

Let me back up a few years ago. I’m looking for a meaningful way to make money online. I wanted to blog, but I wanted to help other people. I followed a lot of blogs that taught how to blog (because that’s a trend), and I follow a lot of bloggers that are helping people be better people. It’s a thing called Life Coaching.

Now, these people charge a lot of money to work one-on-one with them so that they can straighten out their lives and do better. The promises of being successful, high self-esteem, etc. are very enticing. There are even business life coaches that will coach you into entrepreneurship or a better career.

Personally, I was longing for that but was skeptical. Even their group courses were priced very far out of my range. I was sure you already had to be successful and have your shit together to afford to get your shit together and be successful.

Then I realized I could be a life coach without any training really, but I wasn’t sure how to get started. A lot of life coaches are accredited, though, and that’s actually preferred. Once again I was facing huge costs for classes on becoming a life coach.

Fast forward to last year. I found this addictive site called Udemy.com. It’s a place where just about anyone can create a video course about whatever they want and make money off of it. Now, video scares the crap out of me and I’d never get through the editing process because I hate listening to my voice.

However, this website provided the much-needed distraction of learning about everything under the sun I could ever think to learn. Prices start for over $100 normally, but Udemy is always having a sale where you can get all of the classes you want for $10-$20 each.

Side plug (with no affiliation!): I highly recommend using it as most of the courses on Udemy are very good quality. Take some time reading a mix of good and bad reviews (but remember, they ask people to leave a review about 4 videos in and I’ve noticed most bad reviews are because the people left a premature review).

Anyway, back to my story. I kept learning and learning all these different things, which were helpful, but I would change gears often. Then I started finding Life coaching accreditation courses on Udemy. I read through a bunch of them and finally settled on a course from Kain Ramsey (I’m not going to lie, it came down to his accent. I could listen to him talk all day).

Now, I’m still going through this course because I dropped it a while back, thinking I wasn’t good enough to do life coaching. I was afraid of the future. In the last month, I picked it back up and the next few sections covered limiting beliefs. I was floored at the work I had to do going through it.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t exactly prepared, but it made me work through every limiting belief that I had, figure out why and when I started feeling like this, and showed me how to turn that thinking around.

I was messed up for a full day. I actually hated myself for having those limiting beliefs because they were stupid. Basically, I hated myself for hating myself. When I woke up the next day, I didn’t feel the hatred toward myself. I felt like I actually liked myself. Like I was good enough to do what I wanted in life. That I was worthy to have what I actually wanted. It felt like I could breathe again. It was a turning point for me.

This turning point happened just over a week ago, but the feeling was pretty incredible. I’ve had more than two years of therapy to try to get myself to not think I was insignificant and could actually do what I set my mind to. My ADHD had completely ruined that for me. Being diagnosed was a big turning point in the way I viewed myself, but it only explained part of what was going on.

Now, I’m not saying that therapy doesn’t work and life coaching does. That is something that is determined by the individual. Looking back, I was probably using the therapist as a crutch. I never missed a session because I was addicted to it. I’m not certain what I was addicted to, maybe being able to talk about myself without being interrupted or criticized for an hour.

Anyway, I digress…

Looking Ahead

I started this life coaching journey to make money helping people but it doesn’t feel right to charge a ton of money to help people out. I can’t afford to have a life coach but I’m doing the work through this training. I’m also being given the knowledge to share.

To be honest I’m still not sure what that looks like for me and this blog. I just know that I want to help others be the best version of themselves. I want you to feel like you’re worthy of love and the things you want and need. I want to guide you on a journey to help understand yourself and the world and realize what is important.

Right now, I’m looking at writing blog posts that will help you with things like beliefs, self-esteem, self-worth, direction, goals, truth, etc. It will be completely free so you can do the work yourself and hopefully benefit from it.

After I’m accredited, I may end up writing a book or two. I may even charge for one-on-one sessions, but if I do I want to make it affordable to get life coaching. I want to help people who are actually struggling paycheck-to-paycheck like me and my family and friends.


I’ve written a lot up there, so thanks for staying with me. It’s probably a little confusing so I’ll sum it up.

  • I’m wanting to change my blog from a me-centric transgender blog to a life coaching help blog.
  • I want to make all information free for everyone who wants it.
  • I need comments and questions from you about this change

This is still a vague concept that I’m struggling to make solid right now, but if you have any ideas about any of the content or work I should do on the blog, let me know.

Until next time. さようなら (Goodbye)


Chest Hair, Holidays, and HRT

Hello everyone! Happy holidays and stuff.

So, I’ve been on HRT now for 1 year and 5 months. This month has been kind of difficult as there is a family member that I have not told about the transition because I feel like it might cause certain complications I really don’t need right now. I haven’t seen them in a while, so when we went for Thanksgiving, I had to shave. It wasn’t nearly as traumatic as it was for the last funeral I went to, so that’s good. I did leave my soul patch though.

In other news, my HRT dose has been lowered to a 0.25 ml instead of 0.5 ml (cc?) because of my blood pressure and hemoglobin being high. It’s been weird. I’m more tired because of the lower testosterone. I’ve also been achy and I was cramping the other day as though I was about to start menstruation. That was scary. It hasn’t happened yet though so I think I’m okay.

As far as my blood pressure, my general doctor put me on a water pill along with my usual blood pressure medication. It seems to be working. One bad thing is that I’m getting dehydrated on the water pill. Don’t worry, I’m getting enough water now!

Chest Hair

Yup! I’ve got actual chest hair now! There’s a lot of longer hairs that have been there for a while right around the nipples, but now I’ve got ‘fur’ all over that’s almost half an inch long. I keep thinking they’re eyelashes until they don’t come off. It’s kinda crazy. I’m also getting a thicker ‘happy trail’ of sorts, but nothing to really brag about. LOL

The facial hair is still about the same as it has been since my last post. It got really long for a while and I had to trim it up about a month or so ago. Since I shaved it, it’s been growing back at about the same pace my husband’s does. All I really wish is that it would start growing in a little more evenly.

Current Dysphoria

So, I seem to be going through ‘phases’ of major dysphoria about different things. Last time I shaved it was a horrible experience emotionally. I think it’s because I felt like no one saw me as male if I didn’t have the facial hair there. I’m currently not sure if they always see me as male, but I’m getting ‘sir’ed a lot still, especially when it matters.

Currently, I’m having top dysphoria. Putting a binder on every day is driving me insane. It’s also causing some skin problems on my back that are annoying. I want to have surgery, but I currently can’t even afford to look into the surgery.

Another thing that gets to me, which I find as funny as I do traumatizing, is not being able to stand to pee. Most stand-to-pee devices are expensive, but I’ve recently discovered a few that are in my price range. Hopefully getting one will help that. One of the main reasons I find this to be bad is that it’s cold and my butt is cold when I have to sit down to pee because it’s winter. This is why I find it funny.

I’ve also noticed that I seem to experience dysphoria in different ways than most people that talk about it. It typically does not result in deep, debilitating depression. Sometimes, at the end of the day, I let it get to me but for the most part, I just try to ignore the irritation and anguish and move on with my life because most of the things I feel any dysphoria about are things I can’t actually do anything about right now. That in itself is a part of ongoing issues I have.

Anyway, that’s all for now! I’ll be back soon with another update. I’ve got to head back to Planned Parenthood for another appointment in a couple of months, and my general doctor in a couple of weeks. We’ll see if my blood pressure can get back under control.

Have a good one! And as always, feel free to comment or ask questions below. No question is stupid or offensive. I will try to answer them all on the blog. If not, I can answer privately.

How Is Your Husband Dealing with My Transition?

I’ve talked extensively with Paul about this (and I hope to add an update soon with him writing it). Before I go into details, I would like to say that he is 100% behind me in my transition. I couldn’t ask for a better person in my life.

When I Came Out

I realized I was actually a guy about 2 years ago now. I had a hard time telling Paul. I wasn’t sure he was going to be cool with it. What if he didn’t want me anymore? I mean, the worst that could happen is that he’d kick me out, right? Well, in other situations it could be worse, but Paul doesn’t have a violent bone in his body.

I told Manderley first. She was kinda like “duh, about time you realized it.” That made me feel a little better, but I needed to come out to Paul before announcing it to the world. And really, at the time, announcing it to the world wasn’t on my mind. If Paul wouldn’t accept that I was transgender, I didn’t know what I was going to do.

It was Christmas Eve 2015 when I told him. We were about to start wrapping presents when I sent him a text from across the room. It went a little something like this:

Me: I’ve got something to tell you. Don’t freak out.

Paul: Sure, what is it?

Me: I’m transgender. I’m a guy.

Paul: Do you think that would make me love you any less?

Me: I love you too. Guess I’ll keep you. 🙂

Getting Use To “Him”

And ever since he’s been dealing with it all very well. I didn’t start HRT until June 2017, and it took Paul almost a full year to get the pronouns right. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, it’s just hardwired into your brain after you know someone for a while. (And that’s why I’m pretty chill about pronouns)

It really helps that Paul’s so chill about everything in life. Sometimes I feel he’s a little too relaxed, but he just goes with the flow. We’re still head over heels in love. He knows I’m the same person as before, just the gender identity has changed.

About Potential Surgeries

We have only discussed surgeries in passing. I’m not financially capable of getting top or bottom surgery done right now, and so there’s no real point in discussing it in length until we feel we can afford it. Last time we talked about it, Paul wasn’t really sure what he thought about me having either surgery.

I want top surgery first, and he seems pretty okay with that one. The bottom surgery is the one he’s really not sure about. Hell, I’m not even sure about it at the moment. I’d really need to do more research and talk with the doctor about it before I would even commit to having it.

Future Updates

This was created on 6/13/18. Future updates will be added as necessary. Thanks for reading! Let me know if you have any questions.

Being Out and Some Interesting Social Interactions

Hello everyone and welcome to another exciting installment of my Transgender blog where I answer questions about what it’s like as a transgender and what happens through the transition.

I had an entire, huge video actually planned out (especially after I winged it in the most horrible fashion last week! XD). And then, of course, as all things that I jump in and start, there was a kink to my plans. SPRING BREAK!

The kids are off from school, so I have little to no free time to be alone and to be honest It’s going to drive me a little crazy.

I took a suggestion to heart about just having one or both children with me on my video this week, but to tell you the truth, I chickened out. Being in front of the camera is nerve-racking enough at the moment.

So.. while you won’t be seeing my cute as fuck kids this week, I would like to talk about them and what it’s like to have a family while going through the transition. I do plan on bringing them into the videos at some point, just not today.

My Husband & Coming Out

If you wanna learn how it all started, I’ll be posting that soon. I’m not going to bore you by typing my whole coming out to my husband at the moment though.

I will let you know that my husband has been fully supportive of the change from day one. None of my physical changes scare him (at least not yet! XD) but he seems to enjoy my overall happier, more confident mood.

I had to bring up the fact that he might be considered ‘gay’ at some point (cuz while I still have my lady parts, I present as male). It wasn’t something he fully considered, but it seems he doesn’t really care. Love is love and people is people to him. He’s a rare bird in today’s world, and I love that about him. ❤

There’s one recent story I have to tell though. Some background first: Where I currently live is a very small, some would say backwards town. Let’s just say that not all of them have caught up to society and social acceptance as it really is today (I could go further, but that’s all I have to say on the matter at the moment).

So, in this town, we were at the Walmart together and since we’ve been married for 10+ years, I don’t give holding hands a second thought. I was totally oblivious to what actually happened as we walked out the door to the parking lot holding hands until my hubby told me.

What I did notice was the young hetero couple at the Redbox staring at us on the way out. The girl was staring pretty hard but to tell you the truth, I’m kind of use to people looking at me weird most of my life. I’ve been done with being bothered by what people think for a little while now.

So, I ignored the staring and walked on. What I didn’t hear or notice was what Paul told me after we walked out the door and mostly out of earshot of that couple. One of them made a ‘throw up’ noise as we passed. Apparently it was loud enough for him to hear it but captain oblivious here totally missed it.

Paul was mostly irritated that people were so juvenile about it but was somewhat amused, or maybe confused, about their reaction to us. I put two and two together pretty quick and realized it was because we were holding hands and I pass as a male now. Until that moment it had never crossed my mind that maybe we shouldn’t while we’re out in public there? *shrugs*

Anyway, not only did they make that sound but followed us in their big (dare I say it) redneck truck all the way out of the parking lot. And again, Paul told me that they had followed us out to the car and got into their truck to follow us out. (That’s a little more scary typing it out than I originally thought it was, to be honest)

As I usually do when people act like assholes on the road, I just rolled my eyes and proceeded to ignore them as they rode my ass all the way out. I honestly have to say this is probably the first form of any type of harassment either of us have received (or cared to notice at least).

Moving on, there are two other things that I’ve been dealing with, family-wise, for a little while that I would call weird though, so here they are:

Kids Arguing Over My Gender

I’m out to my kids. Kind of. My youngest, age 8, doesn’t really understand yet and I’m not sure how to explain it any more thoroughly so I’m just being patient right now. The thing is, this always happens when we’re somewhere they shouldn’t be talking about it.

My oldest, age 11, suddenly says “Mom’s a boy” like it’s the coolest thing ever and my youngest chimes in like an irritated clock “No she’s not!” At the moment, the most I can ever do is facepalm and pull them aside to ask that they quit arguing.

I do need to have the gender vs. sex talk with my youngest soon though. I’ll let you know how that goes, but I’m going to bet he’ll roll his eyes and think I’m joking. I’ll get through eventually.

My oldest eased into the notion several months ago. To be fair, he’s had a sexuality course that discussed gender identity, sex, sexuality, and all that so it was easier for him to just accept it and move along.

I’ll update you on my progress with these two.

Not Being Out To Everyone

Now, before you start hating on me for not being out to everyone, I have my reasons. It’s not that I’m keeping it a secret. I still dress how I want to dress. I still present as male. I just don’t have that conversation with certain people in my family. Mainly because I feel they won’t understand no matter now I explain it and the last thing I want to do for an elderly member of my family is for them to be completely confused so late in life.

So for now, to them I’m still my dad’s daughter.

I never thought this would be that much of an issue (and you can already see where this is going can’t you?). Not until I decided to go to a funeral of a distant family member with this particular family member. I dress in a pair of dress pants and a button up black top and my work boots, which were my only black pair of shoes at the time.

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t know many of these relatives and friends of the family, but as soon as I got there I found myself wishing I had worn something a little more androgynous at the very least.

The person I went with introduced me as my dad’s daughter with my dead name (I kinda hate the label dead name but let’s save that for another time shall we?) and we both got the weirdest looks. I just stayed quiet for the most part. I don’t really like social situations, so why I was here at this funeral beyond family obligation was beyond me.

I will say I did have a good chuckle at the pastor that was there. He was close with my dad and this family member, so they talked for a while. The night of the funeral, he asked her twice who I was, and looked me up and down (I swear he even checked my shoes!) trying to figure me out. I probably took a little too much pleasure out of that. He never asked any more questions, and I said nothing.

The next day at the graveside service, I saw him again along with several family members that had been pretty ‘tense’ for lack of a better word the night before. They all seemed more relaxed. To be fair, I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans instead of the more masculine button up.

The entire ordeal was awkward, but I did enjoy being with my family member and because I went with her she was able to stay for the whole funeral (she doesn’t drive after dark).

So, that’s it for today. I guess I had a little more to get out than I had planned for this post. I’ll be back into videos next week.

Be sure to ask questions below and follow this blog via WordPress or RSS feed if you want to keep up with all the updates. Until next time!

OMG! I’m at it Again!

OMG! I did an update! Wanna know what’s even cooler?

It’s a video update! Why don’t you check it out?

Make sure to subscribe and like if you wanna see more videos. I hate to say it but more attention = move videos.

Quick note about the video: I’m a lil nervous at least most of the way though so bare (bear?) with me. As I do this more I’ll be more comfortable. I had to do it and just put it out there or it was never going to happen.

Days 11-23: 4 Weeks on T and Interesting Things Are Happening

So, I've taken two shots since the last time I posted (as of today is been 4 weeks). I'm going to go ahead and apologize for that just to get it off my chest. There have been a few changes pertaining to my transition but I just have not got the time to make a post until now. There are also been quite a few changes in my personal life that are not necessarily involved in the transition.

Because this blog is supposed to be all about the transition, let's start with those changes.

Skin, Hair, and Temperature

My skin is definitely more oily than before I started T.

I have also noticed a few more sick stray hairs on my chin and jaw line that so I have not normally been there. I did not get a picture before shaving them off but I can tell you this: they were very dark and very thick. I will continue to shave until it appears that I might actually have a full growth of facial hair. Once that happens, I will probably experiment with growing it out just to see how it looks.

Meanwhile, I'm not getting nearly as cold as I usually do with the air conditioner on this time of year. As hot as it's been, though, I don't see how anyone could be cold even with the air conditioner on. Our new air-conditioner, installed last year, At work is incredibly cold. Before I started taking T, are used to have to put on a long sleeve shirt just to withstand the cold. After T, i've been stripping down to my binder a lot. It doubles as a tank top, so I'm not indecent or anything. LOL

This is new for me because I am always, always cold.

Growing Pains?!

This last week and a half has been pretty painful. Shortly after my last post here, I started aching all over my body. This wasn't like the pain I usually have in my neck from the arthritis. I vaguely remember this kind of pain as growing pains from when I was quite a bit younger.

No one really told me that there would be a pain and aching throughout my muscles, joints, and bones. But there is. Ibuprofen helped.

It makes sense though, right? If my body is changing as if it's going through puberty why would I not have growing pains that go along with going through puberty?

Overall the aches and pains are not that bad. They are slightly annoying, kind of like when my body is so stressed it won't relax. Still, is a small price to pay to feel more at home in my body.

My First Period on T (and other sexual things)

Really, though, what else do I actually call this section?
Disclaimer: If you do not wish to hear about some bodily functions that are sexual in nature, SKIP THIS SECTION. I will try not to go into a lot of detail, but I feel it's important to share as much as I can. Alternately, if you have questions about more detail, I am willing to talk one-on-one.
So, this last week, my period happened (menstrual period for those of you unsure). Some reading this might get jealous but I have never had bad cramps with my periods before. This time it was different. I was doubled over in pain several times for the first 2 days. It also lasted longer and I'm guessing it was because my body is starting to wonder what's up. There's conflicting hormones in here now.

Has anyone else been through this already? I'd be interested to hear how your periods were during this time.

In one of my previous posts I talked about the side effects of T. I mentioned that the sex drive was suppose to increase. Well, this past week it finally happened. Over the last year or so, I was starting to feel like I could be starting pre-menopause early (just my luck, right?). My sex drive was pretty much gone and I felt bad about it. I mean… I still enjoyed write and reading erotica like normal, but sex itself just didn't interest me all that much. I wasn't sure how to approach it.

I can't really blame it on dysphoria because I didn't really know, though it might have subliminally been part of it. I didn't feel sexy or wanted (totally in my head, but that's a story for another time). I was also distracted with a lot of other things in my life.

My sex drive is now in high gear at least half the time. Idle hands can be the worst culprits! XD

In other news, no dryness or noticeable growth down there yet. And that's all I'm going to say for now.


So, I have a major problem with communicating with people. Typing here is not nearly as stressful as speaking with words coming out of my mouth face-to-face with another person or persons. Again, over the last few years I didn't feel like I could explain things to my husband in a way that he would understand. I thought he might hate me or make light of or dismiss everything that was going on in my head. Partially because he's so loving and supportive I never get a passionate answer from him either way. And because he's so laid back, a simple yes or no is easier for him than a lengthy discussion.

I also didn't want him to feel bad for not being able to help me when I was down or depressed. One of my biggest fears is disappointing or hurting people.

Getting to my point, I've felt more comfortable talking to him about things that I normally wouldn't bring up. Over the last couple of days, his acceptance of my transition has started to actually sink in. I feel better about sharing with him what is going on in my head: good or bad.

Life Happening

Now here are some general things that have been happening to me over the last two weeks.

We've been crazy busy at the shop. There are a lot of custom projects that need to get done in a short amount of time and the alterations are coming in fairly steadily as well. Business is good.

A few bouts of depression. Mostly happening when I'm home and feel I should be working. This is usual for my ADHD brain.

Also had a bout of inspiration. I'm now working on a few things and it should be going public in the next couple of weeks. I'm pretty excited!

That's it for today. Speaking of today. Some stuff has happened in the political realm today that was shocking and backwards to say the least. I don't want to go in depth about it now, but if you'd like to help support your trans friends in this trying time, you can check out TomboyX who is donating to The Trevor Project for every pair of undies sold! They're the most amazingly comfortable underwear I've ever worn!

Take care all. Have questions? Email me it comment below.

Day 5-7: Social Interactions

Anyone that knows me personally knows I’m a full blown introvert. Might be hard to see considering I’m putting everything out here on this blog but trust me, typing it on my computer screen is a lot easier than giving all this information out face-to-face.

Day 5: Sunday

We went to play a table-top game called Shadowrun at a friend’s house. There were 6 kids there all together as we played and that turned out to be intense to say the least.

I had to be around a few people that either don’t know about my transition or just didn’t care to talk about it. I don’t feel the need to bring it up in most social situations unless it’s brought up or becomes an issue. I feel that everyone should be treated as a person, no matter their gender.

The misnaming and misgendering is not something that I really feel is important at this moment. This is mainly because I don’t hang around these people enough to really care what they think or do. Also, I’m not going to start an argument in someone else’s house when I’ve been invited over.

I’m still me.

Day 6: Monday

I was back to work today. But first! I had to go to an appointment with my general doctor.

The best part about this visit was that I had not seen them in 6 months, and I had not told them anything about the transition.

The visit was just a check up for my blood pressure medicine and the other meds in general. My blood pressure was the lowest it’s been in years (112/80!!) and I’m starting to wonder if it’s because of the testosterone or because of me feeling more emotionally balanced.

After my blood pressure and everything was checked, I let the nurse know that I was on Testosterone for my transition. She blinked at me. It was like a deer in headlights. She put it in and let me know to tell the nurse practitioner (I see her instead of the doctor at this office, which is fine).

When the NP came in, I told her. She gave me the deer in headlights look as well. I forgot my T at the shop, so I told her I’d email her the information on it when I got a chance.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. In all reality, I probably should have talked to my family doctor first before starting the treatments. I just never felt like they would know what to do. I wasn’t even sure how they’d react until I went Monday.

They said nothing negative, which is good, but I have a feeling I may end up finding another doctor in the future. They really had no idea how to react or what to do. I’m sure transitioning is not something a lot of patients do in my county. Or if they do, they don’t really tell anyone and might even go out of town to see a doctor of any kind.

Work on Monday was packed with stuff. I got a lot of work done on some custom projects I needed to take care of.

Day 7: Tuesday

Today is now Tuesday. I’d apologize for not posting since Saturday, but really I was just busy (obviously). Today went well. I worked on the custom project and had the fitting for it today.

I did manage to introduce myself as Zen without missing a beat though. 🙂

I’m pretty sure people having to repeat my name because it’s unusual will get a tad annoying, but it’ll be okay. I guess those of you with unique names have that problem all the time, huh?

Emotions and Summarizing

My emotions have been pretty even since that little dip Saturday. I feel more comfortable in my own skin now that I don’t have to pretend to be a girl all the time. I did wear a women’s cut t-shirt to work today. It’s one of the few t-shirts that was form fitting and looked good on me. I decided not to look in the mirror because I didn’t want to know if I looked too much like a girl in it. XD


Day 4: Stinging

So, I showered this morning and shaved all my body hair that I normally shave. I must say that this is the first day where I haven’t had dry skin after a shower since I was in high school. Its kind of nice!

I’m going to take a lot of reference pics tomorrow with hubby’s help so that I can have them to reference later. I’ll also try to manage to be alone enough to sing a little for you all.

Assholes with Wings

So I was playing D&D today at the church (yes, Dungeons and Dragons… Don’t judge! Lol). We went out for a break, and I was kicking a soccer ball around with one of the guys and the kids when I got stung on the finger… The finger!! It was a wasp we think (bloody asshole with wings). It burned like hell, but luckily I’m not allergic. A little alcohol, bandaid and some ice and I was fine.

Of course I was all like: Oh… I got stung. That sucks. I’ll be fine. Why wont it stop burning. That feels weird. Its not swelling, I’ll be okay. No… Its swelling. Why is the sun so bright. Oh, there’s a first aid kit? Yeah, guess I could use some stuff to make it feel better.

So that happened. Of course, not really sure what that has to do with the transition except I wonder if it would feel different with thicker skin.


While its pretty even, I do feel a little down today. It doesn’t seem to be anything specific. Just reality trying to slap me in the face. No crying. I don’t feel the need. Its basically just the feeling of ‘reality sucks’.

This isn’t a new feeling but it definitely isn’t as intense as it usually is.

No pics today. Should have some tomorrow. Have a great night, and again, let me know if you have any questions. 😊

About HRT: Hormone Replacement Therapy

So I promised to share this information with you yesterday, and once again, in behind.

Before I begin, it looks like I shall have to wait until Wednesday for my T (testosterone). It seems the holiday has thwarted my plans. Planned Parenthood called and let me know. So I have to wait too more days. She said I could call Monday to see if it did come in.

Now, to the real purpose of this post. All the information about the treatment itself!

What is HRT?

HRT, or hormone replacement therapy, is the general term for the treatment of using hormones, estrogen or testosterone, for gender transition, or to increase that hormone in a person not transitioning.

For those transitioning, there are two types:

  • Masculinizing Hormone Therapy – This is the hormone replacement therapy that uses testosterone to help in the gender transition process when transitioning from female to male. This is, of course, what I will be taking.
  • Feminizing Hormone Therapy – This is the hormone replacement therapy that uses estrogen to help a male transition to a female.

What is Testosterone?

I’m hoping most people know what testosterone is, but just for clarification, it is the sex hormone that causes the development of masculine characteristics. Those assigned male at birth produce this hormone during puberty. Those assigned female at birth produce estrogen, which is the sex hormone that causes the development of feminine characteristics.

As a medication, testosterone is a steroid and a controlled substance. Testosterone, which I will typically call T, has risks, benefits, and side effects as with all drugs. I would like to take a moment today to share about each of these.

Benefits of Testosterone

The benefits of T include:

  • Voice becomes deeper
  • May grow facial hair
  • Body hair will be thicker and grow faster
  • The clitoris will get bigger (probably the most interesting one on the list)
  • Muscles will get bigger and stronger
  • Menstrual periods will probably stop (nurse practitioner said about 6 months in)
  • Fat will leave the butt, hips, and thighs, ‘moving’ to your belly (oh no!)

Risks of Testosterone

The risks include:

  • Increasing your red blood cell count
  • Increasing the amount of fat and/or cholesterol in your blood
  • Increasing the chance of diabetes
  • Harming the liver, which is rare

Risks are higher if you smoke, are overweight, or have a family history of heart disease. Because this is the first generation that is taking T for their whole lives, long-terms risks are widely unknown.

Side Effects of Testosterone

There are a few side effects. They look a lot like side effects of puberty actually, and growing up in general:

  • Acne
  • Thicker and more oily skin
  • The hair on your head may get thinner or fall out (also known as mail pattern baldness)
  • Mood changes
  • Increased sex drive
  • Vaginal dryness

How Long Does T Take to Work?

Some of the changes take a month or more. Other can take around 2 to 5 years. This is depends on the person as well as any other factors in their lives. This is part of what I’m going to document in this blog so you can have some insight for what happens in my journey.

How Long Do You Need to Take Testosterone?

This is a forever thing to keep some of the changes. The changes that go away if you stop taking T include:

  • Increased sex drive
  • Changes to your body fat
  • Changes to your strength
  • Faster hair growth

The rest of the changes will probably not go away even if you stop taking T.

Pregnancy While On T

So, the question that most trans men or curious women want to know is: Will you be able to get pregnant while on T?

The answer is mostly uncertain. You could get pregnant, or you may never be able to get pregnant again. Because of this, birth control is needed to prevent pregnancy just in case. If you do get pregnant while taking T, you most stop testosterone.

That is most of the information that I have on T. Let me know if you have any questions below. I’ll answer anything I can, and I’ll find the answers if I don’t currently know them. Until next time!

My First HRT Appointment 

All my nervousness was really for nothing!

So, I had my appointment yesterday for the HRT. It was probably the best doctor’s visit I have ever experienced. Before I go into detail, I do want to point out that this is MY experience specifically. Your experience or the experiences someone else has went through may be different. I do go into my costs at the end as well. Obviously this is what I experienced. Your costs may be different depending on location and what kind of doctor you visit. This is NOT a end-all description by any means. I’m just here to share my experiences.

Previous Experiences

Let me first tell you about my previous experiences just a bit. I DREAD going to the doctor. It’s another bill that I will be behind on. Another doctor that will not take me seriously. Another thing wrong with my aging body.

Just going for a 6 month check up is nerve wracking for me even if there’s no changes.

This Experience

We went to Planned Parenthood for my HRT visit. I went with them because of two reasons:

  1. They came highly recommended by a transgender friend
  2. I could schedule my appointment online via their website.

I was actually surprised that it wasn’t a hidden option on their site. They have a full section about HRT treatments and how to support your friend or family member that is transgender. It was very reassuring. Please feel free to visit Planned Parenthood online. They offer a lot of great information.

The one I went to was very easy to get to. The facility was a stand alone building, which I wasn’t expecting in that part of the city. The building was nice and there was maybe one other person in the waiting room. The lady at the front desk was super sweet, and refrained from using either name or pronouns until I had filled out information confirming pronouns and name preference.

After I had everything filled out, she brought up payment options and explained specific costs and what, in her experience, my insurance would or would not pay for. We discussed all of my options and I opted to attempt to run my insurance for the visit and blood work and self pay for the T (short for Testosterone). I’ll go over payment in a moment though.

I would also like to note that I only had to fill out a piece of paper that was 3″-by-5″ max with information. I was expecting to have to fill out that booklet that most doctor’s offices give you. Not at Planned Parenthood! At least not for the HRT appointments.

They called me back pretty quickly (I was actually 15 minutes early so I had to wait a little). Once in the back, they let me read over the informed consent form about what effects the T would have on my body.

The nurse practitioner that saw me was also incredibly nice. Pronouns were on point (even if I’m still pretty lax about them). She was knowledgeable and I got to ask all the questions I was unsure of, as well as talk about my concerns and what I had found online.

I had some fun teasing my husband but I asked him several times if he had any questions or objections. He had none, or at least none he could think of at the moment. So everything’s good on that end.

They did blood work to check several things that they will need to monitor while I am on T. While I’m slightly scared of needles, they were careful to consider that. I didn’t eat before I went to the appointment, so they helped me get a little more hydrated before they drew my blood.

We did hit one little snag while I was there. We were all ready to do the T treatment and they ended up having to order it! XD

So I did not get my first treatment Thursday, but I’ll be going back on Monday for the treatment and for some extra blood work since they couldn’t get enough out of me.

Types of Treatments

So with all of that said, the nurse practitioner did go over all the options for T treatments:

  • Self-injections, administered every two weeks
  • Patch, hard to get, absorption isn’t great
  • Gel, also hard to get, absorption is iffy
  • Cream, also hard to get, absorption is iffy as well

They obviously prefer the self-injections. I’ve talked to another person about to take T and the doctor they went to prefers the gel. It’s a preference that could vary by doctor or person.

I’ll be talking about the self-injections, since that’s what I’ll be taking. And yes, I’m scared of needles, but I guess I’ll have to get over that. I have a friend that has promised to help me out with that.

Here is some quick info on the self-injections like I will be taking:

  • Injections seem to have the most even absorption into the body
  • Injections are the cheapest option (my prescription will be $100 for 10ml, but it will last me for about 6 months)
  • The first injections will be .5ml (if I remember correctly) every two weeks
    • After my 3 month follow-up, the dose could increase

I’ll know the dose for sure Monday. It didn’t stick in my brain because we didn’t get to do it. 🙂

That’s all for now. I’ll go over all the information I learned about T tomorrow. Until then, remember! We’re all human.