A New Direction…

Hey everyone! It’s been a while… again! So I’ve been promising you bi-weekly posts and stuff, even constant updates on Twitter. To be honest, I promise this with the best of intentions, but I fall short on consistency every single time.

I’ve done quite a bit of journaling over the last 3 weeks and I’ve come to a conclusion about why I can’t stay focused or come up with content to write here. What I have found is that I feel quite awkward talking about myself as the main topic of this blog. There are only a few days in which I actually feel like I should be center stage. I’m pretty introverted. While writing on the blog gives me a quiet space to express myself, I find that talking about ME isn’t what I really want to do.

About My Transition

First, let’s talk a little bit about my transition. I’m still on my half dose of HRT (.25ml) and it’s pretty shit. Overall I’m doing well, but I’m constantly tired, and I really struggle when I miss a shot one week. I also seem to have more acne when I’m on a lower dose of T and that is quite frustrating.

I’ve started getting exercise more often, and by started I really mean the last 2 days. It’s helping me feel more human and ready to face the world (something else is also helping with that which I’ll get to in a minute).

I’ve got more chest hair than I would really like, but I think it’s mostly due to my chest dysphoria. I’m not comfortable at all with my chest right now. Binders are usually pretty comfortable, but I have days where all I want it out.

I’d push for top surgery, but I have no way of financially taking care of the surgery, much less the month or more that I’ll have to recover, completely not working. We’re barely making it right now, and the thought of the burden of paying for the surgery and not being able to work and help provide for the family is a real concern.

Thinking about this is pretty depressing and fuels the dysphoria even more. I mostly spend time trying to work on ways to make more money, and I usually prioritize that over sitting down to write a blog post.

I don’t feel comfortable asking for help or money at all. I won’t go into details about why that is, though I have done some soul searching and figured it out. I’m working on it, but I’ll probably never be comfortable with it. I’d really rather work for it than it being given to me.

But that, in a nutshell, is how I’m doing transition-wise. That’s about all I have to report ever. The blood pressure seems to be under control so once I can get the chance to go back to the doctor I should be able to get my HRT increased again.

What I’ve Been Doing

I’ve been doing a lot of things, but I want to focus on one major thing that has impacted my life and is influencing where I’m looking to go with this blog.

Let me back up a few years ago. I’m looking for a meaningful way to make money online. I wanted to blog, but I wanted to help other people. I followed a lot of blogs that taught how to blog (because that’s a trend), and I follow a lot of bloggers that are helping people be better people. It’s a thing called Life Coaching.

Now, these people charge a lot of money to work one-on-one with them so that they can straighten out their lives and do better. The promises of being successful, high self-esteem, etc. are very enticing. There are even business life coaches that will coach you into entrepreneurship or a better career.

Personally, I was longing for that but was skeptical. Even their group courses were priced very far out of my range. I was sure you already had to be successful and have your shit together to afford to get your shit together and be successful.

Then I realized I could be a life coach without any training really, but I wasn’t sure how to get started. A lot of life coaches are accredited, though, and that’s actually preferred. Once again I was facing huge costs for classes on becoming a life coach.

Fast forward to last year. I found this addictive site called Udemy.com. It’s a place where just about anyone can create a video course about whatever they want and make money off of it. Now, video scares the crap out of me and I’d never get through the editing process because I hate listening to my voice.

However, this website provided the much-needed distraction of learning about everything under the sun I could ever think to learn. Prices start for over $100 normally, but Udemy is always having a sale where you can get all of the classes you want for $10-$20 each.

Side plug (with no affiliation!): I highly recommend using it as most of the courses on Udemy are very good quality. Take some time reading a mix of good and bad reviews (but remember, they ask people to leave a review about 4 videos in and I’ve noticed most bad reviews are because the people left a premature review).

Anyway, back to my story. I kept learning and learning all these different things, which were helpful, but I would change gears often. Then I started finding Life coaching accreditation courses on Udemy. I read through a bunch of them and finally settled on a course from Kain Ramsey (I’m not going to lie, it came down to his accent. I could listen to him talk all day).

Now, I’m still going through this course because I dropped it a while back, thinking I wasn’t good enough to do life coaching. I was afraid of the future. In the last month, I picked it back up and the next few sections covered limiting beliefs. I was floored at the work I had to do going through it.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t exactly prepared, but it made me work through every limiting belief that I had, figure out why and when I started feeling like this, and showed me how to turn that thinking around.

I was messed up for a full day. I actually hated myself for having those limiting beliefs because they were stupid. Basically, I hated myself for hating myself. When I woke up the next day, I didn’t feel the hatred toward myself. I felt like I actually liked myself. Like I was good enough to do what I wanted in life. That I was worthy to have what I actually wanted. It felt like I could breathe again. It was a turning point for me.

This turning point happened just over a week ago, but the feeling was pretty incredible. I’ve had more than two years of therapy to try to get myself to not think I was insignificant and could actually do what I set my mind to. My ADHD had completely ruined that for me. Being diagnosed was a big turning point in the way I viewed myself, but it only explained part of what was going on.

Now, I’m not saying that therapy doesn’t work and life coaching does. That is something that is determined by the individual. Looking back, I was probably using the therapist as a crutch. I never missed a session because I was addicted to it. I’m not certain what I was addicted to, maybe being able to talk about myself without being interrupted or criticized for an hour.

Anyway, I digress…

Looking Ahead

I started this life coaching journey to make money helping people but it doesn’t feel right to charge a ton of money to help people out. I can’t afford to have a life coach but I’m doing the work through this training. I’m also being given the knowledge to share.

To be honest I’m still not sure what that looks like for me and this blog. I just know that I want to help others be the best version of themselves. I want you to feel like you’re worthy of love and the things you want and need. I want to guide you on a journey to help understand yourself and the world and realize what is important.

Right now, I’m looking at writing blog posts that will help you with things like beliefs, self-esteem, self-worth, direction, goals, truth, etc. It will be completely free so you can do the work yourself and hopefully benefit from it.

After I’m accredited, I may end up writing a book or two. I may even charge for one-on-one sessions, but if I do I want to make it affordable to get life coaching. I want to help people who are actually struggling paycheck-to-paycheck like me and my family and friends.

Conclusion

I’ve written a lot up there, so thanks for staying with me. It’s probably a little confusing so I’ll sum it up.

  • I’m wanting to change my blog from a me-centric transgender blog to a life coaching help blog.
  • I want to make all information free for everyone who wants it.
  • I need comments and questions from you about this change

This is still a vague concept that I’m struggling to make solid right now, but if you have any ideas about any of the content or work I should do on the blog, let me know.

Until next time. さようなら (Goodbye)

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New Twitter Account!

So, today is just a quick post to talk about some changes happening and stuff. So, as most of you know, I’m kinda flaky with posting on here regularly, and that’s because it takes a lot of preparation to create a really long blog post, even if I’m just telling you about what’s going on with me on the daily. I kinda hate that I can’t remain focused long enough to get a weekly post out. So I’m hoping what I’m about to tell you about will help me keep more active.

As the title states, I’ve created a Twitter account connected to this blog. There I’m going to provide daily ‘microblog’ style posts. I can’t even begin to tell you what they’ll be about, because I’ll be creating the content on the fly every day but I’ll try to keep on the topic of ‘Life as a Trans Male’. You may get to see some artwork, selfies, and maybe even some short videos if I can get up the nerve.

My Twitter handle is @legend_zen if you want to look me up, or you could use this link to go directly to my profile.

Why Not Facebook?

Well, I’m already on Facebook. I don’t really like Facebook, and the last thing I want to deal with is another Facebook page. Also, with some things that have come to light with the way Facebook handles certain content. I feel like that’s not the best place to be. Twitter, while I’m not very good at using it yet, is a much safer community for me. In a world of trans and LGBT bashing, Twitter has taken a stand and prohibited deadnaming and misgendering on their platform.

Other reasons not to have this on Facebook is that, though I have hundreds of friends, Facebook hides content from people even if they like a page or are friends with a person.

Why Not Instagram?

Instagram is a lovely platform, even if it’s owned by Facebook. However, I already have 3 accounts there, 2 for business and 1 for personal. It’s already really hard to switch back and forth between accounts when I post. I’ve accidentally posted the wrong thing on an Instagram account and it can’t really be deleted once it’s up there. If you’d like to follow me on Instagram though my account is @zenlegend

What Is Microblogging?

Microblogging is the act of posting smaller (usually 280 characters or less) posts more frequently. Twitter is great for that because it has a 280 character limit but it can also add images, video, and links to the post.

The reasoning behind doing this type of blogging is a two-fold challenge:

  1. To get me to think about the blog more often
  2. To get information to you more quickly

Will You Still Be Blogging Here?

Yes! I just feel that the microblogging doesn’t need to be on this blog. I’d like my larger content pieces to be here, while you can see my shorter blips on Twitter. I’ll also be posting links to new posts on Twitter so you can follow one channel and get both. Don’t worry though, if you have no interest to follow me on Twitter, I’ll still be posting the larger blog post links from here on Facebook.

So, no, I’m not abandoning the blog here. I’m just trying to be a little more regular with getting info out to you.

One Final Note

I will be creating an email sign-up in the very near future (by the beginning of the year). That way, if you’d like updates about my blog sent to your email, you can have that done too.

If there’s anything you would like to see on Twitter from me, let me know. I’d love to have an idea of what you’d like to see.

Until next time!

Chest Hair, Holidays, and HRT

Hello everyone! Happy holidays and stuff.

So, I’ve been on HRT now for 1 year and 5 months. This month has been kind of difficult as there is a family member that I have not told about the transition because I feel like it might cause certain complications I really don’t need right now. I haven’t seen them in a while, so when we went for Thanksgiving, I had to shave. It wasn’t nearly as traumatic as it was for the last funeral I went to, so that’s good. I did leave my soul patch though.

In other news, my HRT dose has been lowered to a 0.25 ml instead of 0.5 ml (cc?) because of my blood pressure and hemoglobin being high. It’s been weird. I’m more tired because of the lower testosterone. I’ve also been achy and I was cramping the other day as though I was about to start menstruation. That was scary. It hasn’t happened yet though so I think I’m okay.

As far as my blood pressure, my general doctor put me on a water pill along with my usual blood pressure medication. It seems to be working. One bad thing is that I’m getting dehydrated on the water pill. Don’t worry, I’m getting enough water now!

Chest Hair

Yup! I’ve got actual chest hair now! There’s a lot of longer hairs that have been there for a while right around the nipples, but now I’ve got ‘fur’ all over that’s almost half an inch long. I keep thinking they’re eyelashes until they don’t come off. It’s kinda crazy. I’m also getting a thicker ‘happy trail’ of sorts, but nothing to really brag about. LOL

The facial hair is still about the same as it has been since my last post. It got really long for a while and I had to trim it up about a month or so ago. Since I shaved it, it’s been growing back at about the same pace my husband’s does. All I really wish is that it would start growing in a little more evenly.

Current Dysphoria

So, I seem to be going through ‘phases’ of major dysphoria about different things. Last time I shaved it was a horrible experience emotionally. I think it’s because I felt like no one saw me as male if I didn’t have the facial hair there. I’m currently not sure if they always see me as male, but I’m getting ‘sir’ed a lot still, especially when it matters.

Currently, I’m having top dysphoria. Putting a binder on every day is driving me insane. It’s also causing some skin problems on my back that are annoying. I want to have surgery, but I currently can’t even afford to look into the surgery.

Another thing that gets to me, which I find as funny as I do traumatizing, is not being able to stand to pee. Most stand-to-pee devices are expensive, but I’ve recently discovered a few that are in my price range. Hopefully getting one will help that. One of the main reasons I find this to be bad is that it’s cold and my butt is cold when I have to sit down to pee because it’s winter. This is why I find it funny.

I’ve also noticed that I seem to experience dysphoria in different ways than most people that talk about it. It typically does not result in deep, debilitating depression. Sometimes, at the end of the day, I let it get to me but for the most part, I just try to ignore the irritation and anguish and move on with my life because most of the things I feel any dysphoria about are things I can’t actually do anything about right now. That in itself is a part of ongoing issues I have.

Anyway, that’s all for now! I’ll be back soon with another update. I’ve got to head back to Planned Parenthood for another appointment in a couple of months, and my general doctor in a couple of weeks. We’ll see if my blood pressure can get back under control.

Have a good one! And as always, feel free to comment or ask questions below. No question is stupid or offensive. I will try to answer them all on the blog. If not, I can answer privately.

Packer Questions

I recently got a packer. Since I had a lot of questions and pre-conceived notions about them that were completely wrong, I decided to write this post regarding Packers. I’ve also had a question or two about them.

What Is a Packer?

A packer is a fake penis. You put it in your underwear to make it appear you have a package (thus the name packer…). They come in many shapes and sizes but I have noticed that the “Mr. Limpy” is the most common and most well liked in the transgender community from what I’ve seen.

Quick Terminology Lesson: Wearing a packer is referred to as “packing”. Can be used in a question like this:

Do you pack?

Yeah, I pack.

Though, you probably shouldn’t just go around asking ftms if they pack or not. It’s kind of like asking a cis guy how big their penis is. In normal conversation it’s typically not considered appropriate, however, in certain circumstances, I guess it could be?

How Much Are Packers?

I thought they would be expensive, but they’re really not. I got a medium size from Fleshlight and that one was about $15. The smaller size is about $12. You can also get them off Amazon by searching “Mr. Limpy packer” for about the same price. If you’re looking for underwear you can wear with them, Rodeoh.com has them, and they even have a few that come with a small or medium packer for free. The underwear there is about $20-$30.

If you are ftm and are unable to get a packer for whatever reason, message me privately.

How Do You Wear Your Packer?

I currently have a simple elastic strap with snaps to hold it in place. The strap was made by a friend of mine. If you’re interested in one, let me know. I’ll hook you up.

There are other ways to wear a packer that I haven’t tried. You can just put it in your regular underwear and position it, but I found it rarely stays where I want it. You can purchase special underwear that will hold it in place. You can also wear a strap. Some straps are like jock straps. This is not what I have currently.

Do You Like Your Current Packer?

I like it pretty good, but it took a lot of getting use to. I got the Medium sized Mr. Limpy. It looked much smaller in the picture when I ordered it and there was no length measurement on the product description. The medium size is approximately 8″ long. Obviously, it as modeled after either a hard cock, or a “show-er”. I couldn’t imagine what it would be if it grew hard otherwise! XD

If I had known that the medium was that big, I would have just ordered the small, which I thought was tiny. The small Mr. Limpy does have bigger balls than the larger sizes. I’m not sure what that’s about though.

What Are the Best Underwear for Packers?

If you are not using packer-specific underwear or a strap, I suggest briefs or boxer briefs to help hold it in place. If you have a strap, you can get away with boxers or going commando if you like.

Really, it’s a personal preference. My preference is currently boxer briefs. I like boxers better, but the free hanging that happens is something to get used to especially with a larger packer.

What Is an STP?

An STP is a Stand-to-Pee device. Most look like funnels for a car and should probably not be used out in public restrooms (because it looks weird if you’re standing at a urinal, peeing out of a funnel).

I don’t have an STP yet, but the one I want is the EZP. It is shaped like a real penis and is hollow inside so you can pee into it and it looks like you’re peeing out of a penis. It also doubles as a packer. Unfortunately, these are about $200. I’m currently saving up for one (and I will take donations to that cause). I’ll let you all know when I get one and try it out.

Have more questions? Contact me.

How Is Your Husband Dealing with My Transition?

I’ve talked extensively with Paul about this (and I hope to add an update soon with him writing it). Before I go into details, I would like to say that he is 100% behind me in my transition. I couldn’t ask for a better person in my life.

When I Came Out

I realized I was actually a guy about 2 years ago now. I had a hard time telling Paul. I wasn’t sure he was going to be cool with it. What if he didn’t want me anymore? I mean, the worst that could happen is that he’d kick me out, right? Well, in other situations it could be worse, but Paul doesn’t have a violent bone in his body.

I told Manderley first. She was kinda like “duh, about time you realized it.” That made me feel a little better, but I needed to come out to Paul before announcing it to the world. And really, at the time, announcing it to the world wasn’t on my mind. If Paul wouldn’t accept that I was transgender, I didn’t know what I was going to do.

It was Christmas Eve 2015 when I told him. We were about to start wrapping presents when I sent him a text from across the room. It went a little something like this:

Me: I’ve got something to tell you. Don’t freak out.

Paul: Sure, what is it?

Me: I’m transgender. I’m a guy.

Paul: Do you think that would make me love you any less?

Me: I love you too. Guess I’ll keep you. 🙂

Getting Use To “Him”

And ever since he’s been dealing with it all very well. I didn’t start HRT until June 2017, and it took Paul almost a full year to get the pronouns right. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, it’s just hardwired into your brain after you know someone for a while. (And that’s why I’m pretty chill about pronouns)

It really helps that Paul’s so chill about everything in life. Sometimes I feel he’s a little too relaxed, but he just goes with the flow. We’re still head over heels in love. He knows I’m the same person as before, just the gender identity has changed.

About Potential Surgeries

We have only discussed surgeries in passing. I’m not financially capable of getting top or bottom surgery done right now, and so there’s no real point in discussing it in length until we feel we can afford it. Last time we talked about it, Paul wasn’t really sure what he thought about me having either surgery.

I want top surgery first, and he seems pretty okay with that one. The bottom surgery is the one he’s really not sure about. Hell, I’m not even sure about it at the moment. I’d really need to do more research and talk with the doctor about it before I would even commit to having it.

Future Updates

This was created on 6/13/18. Future updates will be added as necessary. Thanks for reading! Let me know if you have any questions.

How Is Your Hair Growth?

I’ll try to keep this updated as much as possible. My hair growth is kind of all over the place right now (updated 6/13/18, 11 months on T). I’ll break it down for places on my body here:

Facial Hair

I currently have a fuzzy cop-stache that you can barely see growing in. The most notable hair growth on my face is the currently uneven split goatee on my chin. It’s currently about an inch and a half long and I haven’t shaved it in at least a month. I’m going to have to learn how to trim it soon.

Under Arms

It seems a little thicker than normal, but I don’t really have much to compare it to since I shaved a lot before my transition. The hairs are long and they sometimes get caught in my binder, which isn’t all that fun. I’ve been contemplating shaving them still, but I’m pretty undecided about that. It’s just a lot to get use to.

Chest/Stomach

I’m starting to notice some random dark hairs growing out on my chest. They’re mostly around the nipples and are not very noticeable (except by me of course XD). I’m also slightly developing a happy trail along my abdomen, but it’s currently very faint.

Leg Hair

I guess it’s thicker than normal. I use to shave all the time, but when I didn’t, it was pretty thick and dark like it is now. As far as the hair on my feet, I’ve always had hobbit feet, so I feel this isn’t much change from the normal, I just don’t shave it anymore.

Crotch/Genitalia Area

It’s thick and curly as usual, I try to keep this shaved mainly because the hair is really just annoying. If it weren’t so damn thick in the first place I guess I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

My Thoughts on Shaving

Shaving certain parts and not others is a personal choice. It should not be defined by gender. If you wanna shave your face, shave your face. If you wanna shave your legs, shave your damn legs. Wanna shave your crotch? Go for it. It’s between you, and in some cases your partner (in case of preferences, but really, it’s up to you).

 

So a Guy Walked into the Gynecologist Office…

Hey everyone! Welcome to this weeks installment of my transition. Today, we’re going to be talking a little bit about ‘girl stuff’. I also have some pretty big news down there towards the end.

The OB/GYN Appointment

Last week, I had to go to my gynecologist for a repeat colposcopy (biopsy). My pap came back abnormal probably about 2 years ago, and so I was referred to this gynecologist for a follow-up.

First, he did another pap. When that also came back abnormal he suggested I do the colposcopy. I’ve been repeating them every 4-6 months as they keep coming back somewhere in the mild to moderate dysplasia rage. It was about to go away for a while, but it has started to resurface lately so we’re still watching it.

Seeing as how I pass now, this visit was quite amusing. I was a little nervous, to be honest. It’s not because of the doctor though. He’s cool about (and completely fascinated about) the transition and has at least one other patient that is transgender. My nervousness was mostly related to office staff and people in the waiting room.

I don’t like waiting rooms anyway because being packed into a small room full of (in this case, hormone-filled) strangers is just not my idea of fun, and OB/GYN waiting rooms make me feel slightly inadequate as a mother and woman (which I am not, so go fig!).

When I first got there, I picked a corner and sat down. After I dealt with the slightly pushy receptionist who always asks if I’d like to make a payment on my obnoxiously large balance and can’t seem to grasp $20 and $5/month is all she’s ever going to get from me, I ended up sitting right back where I had been sitting.

I wasn’t alone this time though. A pregnant girl was sitting right next to the seat with who, for sake of ease, I just assumed was her mom. (Just FYI I don’t outwardly assume anything anymore, or try not to, but as I ‘people-watch’ I like to make little stories in my head that probably aren’t true, but could be. I just don’t make that assumption in reality.)

When I sat back down I could feel the ‘uncomfortable’ coming off her. It inwardly made me both smile, and sigh. Yes, I’m a guy, but not (because the veil is lifted when they yell out “Elizabeth” at the doctor’s office), and guys alone at the gynecologist are just weird okay?

Anyway, I hid my own discomfort by playing and searching for information on my phone while I waited. Once I got called back, the damn nurse was uncomfortable too! I mean, to be fair, this nurse is not the normal nurse, but she didn’t seem to quite know what to do with me.

So, she had me sign the colposcopy consent form like I always have to do and asked me a few questions. I updated my meds, because I don’t think the T was on the list even though I’ve been taking it for 11 months now and we’ve talked about it. It may have been that I just didn’t consider it a ‘medication’?

After that, I get undressed from the waist down and go put the paper thing over my lap. The doctor comes in and that’s when I realize why he doesn’t usually make me wait long at all. He told me I got undressed fast because he was listening for the paper rattling! XD Alright, a little creepy, I have to admit, but in his line of work, I get it.

Of course, we sit there and bullshit while he’s doing his thing. The whole time the nurse, who is always in the room for the procedure, is still throwing out vibes of discomfort. My doctor, however, is totally chill.

As I lay there and we’re talking, I’m wondering how many of these we have to do before I can get them to just take the whole damn thing out (also known as a hysterectomy). It is part of the bottom surgery, and I’m half-hoping that this progresses to me needing one, but it probably won’t. (No, I don’t hope it gets worse, really. It would just be nice if my insurance would cover the procedure, right?)

Anyway, we finish up and I head out. I got my results a couple of days ago, which was fast. The pap was negative like it has been for a while, but the biopsy still showed mild-to-moderate dysplasia, so I’m scheduled to go back in September (because October is a crazy time at the shop and I can’t get away without losing much-needed work hours).

I’ll attempt to keep you all updated if anything changes.

Oh Happy Day!

Yesterday, as some of you probably saw on my Facebook post, I went to file for a name change. It was remarkably easy to accomplish, though it’s not finalized yet.

Because I had a lot of questions about this process, I’ll try to answer them here. Keep in mind that I am in Anderson County, Tennessee. The process could be different if you are in another location. I always recommend Googling “how to change your name in [your location]” when you’re ready to start the process yourself.

For me, it started with a trip to the courthouse in Clinton, the county seat, a few months ago. The lady at the front desk was really helpful and directed me up to the chancery court window on the 3rd floor.

At the window, I was met with some pretty grumpy people. If you’re looking to get your name changed, don’t let them freak you out. I’m pretty sure they just hate their jobs (I know I would hate their jobs XD). It took ‘grumpy lady’ (I’m sorry, I didn’t catch her name) a few seconds to ask if she could help me from way back behind her big, comfy desk.

I asked for the name change forms and she gave me some directions. Mainly they were, fill it out, go down to the front desk to get it notarized, then come back up to the window. She told me the fee was $175.95 (this fee varies drastically by county and state, btw). I knew I didn’t have the money that day, but I went ahead and got the form to fill out.

The form itself is surprisingly simple. You write your current name a couple of times, give the reason for your name change, and then write down the name that you wish to change it to.

I labored and worried about the reason for a long time. Hell, I labored over the middle name for well over a year, and still hadn’t picked a middle name when I went to get the form.

I finally picked a middle name last week. Well, okay, 2 middle names. It’s Kamui-Ryu. The hyphen is in there just so I can get the whole name on everything. It loosely means dragon god (or god dragon in the order that they are in). My spirit animal is a dragon, and Kamui I got from an anime a while back. I almost named London “Kamui” when he was born, so decided to use it.

After you fill out the form, you sign it in front of the notary (sweet front desk lady can do this) and take it back up to the chancery court window, where they process the fees and get you set up with a court date. This is what I did yesterday with Paul and Manderley by my side. I definitely wouldn’t be at this point without them.

So, I get to the courthouse with the form and talk to the sweet front desk lady. She’s more than happy to help out and I sign the book where she keeps a record of her notary stuff. Then directs me up to the third floor again, because I’ve forgotten by now where I’m going anyway.

I was nervous, and therefore ditzy, as I made my way up to the third floor. We went through the metal detector after dumping all our metal and electronics into the baskets.

We found out that my aluminum chainmail does not set it off, even with the stainless steel lobster clasps, so that was interesting. They’re also non-magnetic. Anyway, I digress.

Once that was done, we headed to the chancery court window and again it took the same ‘grumpy lady’ a few seconds to help us. She was still the same level of “I-hate-my-job” grumpy, but took the form and put it in. I’m not sure what she had to do on the computer with it but I felt like we had to wait forever! (She was probably making sure I’m not a convicted felon or have warrants out for my arrest)

When she came back, I paid and then we picked a court date. I learned later that the chancery court judge takes a lot of time off when the kids are out for the summer, so keep that in mind. Chancery court is held on Mondays and Fridays in Anderson County, and the next available court date was July 9th.

She put me down for it and told me that court starts and 9am and they would not be giving me a call. Probably because they add me to a paper desk calendar which I found odd in the 21st century, but hey, who am I to judge?

Best thing is ‘grumpy lady’ actually smiled and was cheerful towards the end. I was so happy that I wished her a great day with enthusiasm! LOL

After that, we went to have a celebratory lunch at Waffle House.

Answering Questions

So, I’ve been asked quite a few questions lately about my transition and I love to answer all of them in long format. In order to do that and not make this an insanely long blog post, I’ve created a FAQs page that will have a list of questions and answers for them.

If you have any questions about my transition, please look there first. If you don’t see what you’re looking for or feel there needs to be more information about a specific question, please let me know! Here’s a link to the FAQs page again.

Take care!

Hey Again! Concerns and Other Things Going On in My World…

So, I’ve been quiet for longer than I planned on. I recorded a video about a month ago but never could get around to editing it. We’ve just moved into an apartment and it has been a little bit more of a challenge to get back to a normal routine than I had expected.

I’ll be sharing that video with you in the near future (probably inside of another, newer video). If anyone has any video editing capabilities and would like to volunteer some quit editing services once a week I’d definitely be interested in talking with you about it. Just message me on social media or comment below.

HRT (Testosterone treatments)

Anyway, lets see. I’ve been on HRT for 11 months as of today! I had to look back at the blog to find out because I thought I was at the most 9 months along.

One month from now I will have been on Testosterone for a whole year. Looking back I know there has been a couple of months, inconsecutively, where I had not taken my shot due to complications.

Once, I had problems with getting the prescription filled and had to change pharmacies. Then, once I had the prescription I couldnt get the pharmacy to understand which needles I needed. The needles thing has been an ongoing frustration that I go through almost every month or two.

The second time I was off my HRT was right after we moved. My legs were swelling and I was freaking out that my blood pressure was out of control again. I went to the doctor who did some bloodwork and it came back that my red blood cell count was high. So I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood about it and they said I was actually under the levels that they looked for. Apparently the lab was still looking at the levels for a female.

I did have to change my diet around a little and stop taking Ibuprofen in order to get everything back to normal but that was 3 weeks between doctor’s visits where I didn’t take my T because I was scared it would make things worse. Luckily, I was able to resume my T on my normal dose.

Other Things I’ve Been Up To

Etsy Shop

I’ve had the chainmaille Etsy shop for a while now but it took me almost a year to make my first sale. I ignored it for a while but came back to it to work on promoting it and making changes that will get more eyes on my stuff. I’ve made 2 more sales in the last 2 months and that doesn’t include what I’ve sold outside of Etsy (thanks all!)

I’ve decided to devote most of my chainmaille to helping an LGBT non-profit organization. After some deliberation I decided to go with the Trevor Project which helps with suicide prevention in the LGBT community. If you want to know more, just click the link.

The reason I picked the Trevor Project instead of TEP is that the Trevor Project is national and would include the areas that all my customers are from, not just Tennessee. I may offer the option to choose later on for those that purchase in person, but right now I don’t make enough to donate to multiple non-profits without it getting weird on my end. (With my ADHD I have to keep things pretty simple)

A Possible Second Etsy Shop

Because I don’t have enough to do, right?

I’ve always wanted to sell t-shirts online, but couldn’t figure out how to purchase and deal with all the stuff you need to have on hand to do it yourself. I’ve found a company that creates the t-shirt for you (and integrates with Etsy). I’ve done some research and they actually pay their employees well (not some sweatshop in China) and they allow me to completely brand the product and packaging to my business. That’s pretty amazing!

So, I’ve come up with this crazy concept, and while I don’t want to reveal too much, let’s just say the storytelling will be EPIC. To give you a hint, the shop name is EatenByDragons. I kind of can’t wait to get it open!

I’m having a little bit of a creative block though so getting the shop open and launched is proving more challenging than it should be. Any ideas would be appreciated, and if I use it, I would be able to give credit for the concept and possibly order a shirt for you. The theme is nerdy, D&D, table top role play, and dragons, of course.

No More Therapy

I cant really tell you if this is a good or bad thing yet, but here’s what happened. My therapist’s daughter graduated college and she retired to move up north with her. I’m totally happy for her and think that’s really awesome! But I also feel a small hole in my normality if that makes any sense.

It’s been an adjustment getting use to not going to therapy now that I’m so close. I miss having that weekly guidance and encouragement and am scared I’ll go off the rails so I’m constantly second guessing life choices.

It also didn’t really help that a really good friend of mine from high school killed himself not two weeks after my final session. I barely got through that.

Other Hormone Related Things

Voice, Mannerisms, Hair Growth

My voice has been getting steadily deeper and I’m kind of glad to be taking the summer off from any choirs I was in. My voice has been cracking pretty consistently.

Also, with my voice and mannerisms I’m starting to feel more “gay male” and less “girl pretending”. In this case, what dysphoria I had is easing. Shaving off my scraggly goatee for a funeral was pretty devastating. I didn’t realize how much it would affect me and I almost wish I hadn’t done it at all. At least the hair grew back quickly.

Passing

After I shaved I had people assume I was female a lot more often. It kind of felt nice to have a smooth chin, but I also missed tugging on the hairs occasionally. It was pretty irritating that I did pass while it was smooth though. Needless to say, I probably won’t shave for a while.

I Got a Packer!

(Warning! If you don’t want to read about fake penises, I suggest you skip this section)

Yeah, so packers aren’t really that expensive (unless you’re going for a stand-to-pee version) so I picked one up off the Fleshlight website. You can get them off Amazon and stuff. The best one I’ve seen so far is the Mr. Limpy, which is made and sold by several different companies.

I got the Medium sized one, and I have to say, it had a hard time getting it to not look like I had a boner all the time! From base to head I think he’s about 8 inches and comes with a smaller set of balls than the small size. I don’t know many guys who are 8 inches limp, but at least this thing is squishy!

I have a friend that makes packer straps so if anyone out there wants one, let me know and I’ll hook you up.

Hell, if there’s anyone out there not able to get a packer or a binder let me know. We will make that shit happen somehow.

Binders

So, a couple of months ago I got 2 new binders for my wardrobe. I now have a grey one, a black one, and a white one. I get my binders from Gc2b.co currently, but we’re considering finding the material to make them.

Again, if you need one, let me know.

Alright, I’ll Stop Rambling…

For now… 😉

Until my turn around time for videos can decrease into a few days, I’ll be typing up blog posts. The goal, once again, is to write once a week. Hopefully I can align it to my T shots which are also weekly.

If you have any questions, please ask! No question is stupid or offensive if it is asked for the purpose of understanding. I don’t get bent out of shape about pronouns or questions or incorrect terminology. If you don’t know you don’t know. I want to help educate and inspire so please just ask. Also, questions also keep me from droning in about myself endlessly, I’m sure you might enjoy the change eventually. XD

You can contact me via the comments below or private message me on social media:

Instagram: @zenlegend

I don’t post a lot in this Instagram account but I will answer messages fairly quickly. (Usually the posts are accidents from not switching back from my chainmaille account)

Facebook: Zen Lane

Being Out and Some Interesting Social Interactions

Hello everyone and welcome to another exciting installment of my Transgender blog where I answer questions about what it’s like as a transgender and what happens through the transition.

I had an entire, huge video actually planned out (especially after I winged it in the most horrible fashion last week! XD). And then, of course, as all things that I jump in and start, there was a kink to my plans. SPRING BREAK!

The kids are off from school, so I have little to no free time to be alone and to be honest It’s going to drive me a little crazy.

I took a suggestion to heart about just having one or both children with me on my video this week, but to tell you the truth, I chickened out. Being in front of the camera is nerve-racking enough at the moment.

So.. while you won’t be seeing my cute as fuck kids this week, I would like to talk about them and what it’s like to have a family while going through the transition. I do plan on bringing them into the videos at some point, just not today.

My Husband & Coming Out

If you wanna learn how it all started, I’ll be posting that soon. I’m not going to bore you by typing my whole coming out to my husband at the moment though.

I will let you know that my husband has been fully supportive of the change from day one. None of my physical changes scare him (at least not yet! XD) but he seems to enjoy my overall happier, more confident mood.

I had to bring up the fact that he might be considered ‘gay’ at some point (cuz while I still have my lady parts, I present as male). It wasn’t something he fully considered, but it seems he doesn’t really care. Love is love and people is people to him. He’s a rare bird in today’s world, and I love that about him. ❤

There’s one recent story I have to tell though. Some background first: Where I currently live is a very small, some would say backwards town. Let’s just say that not all of them have caught up to society and social acceptance as it really is today (I could go further, but that’s all I have to say on the matter at the moment).

So, in this town, we were at the Walmart together and since we’ve been married for 10+ years, I don’t give holding hands a second thought. I was totally oblivious to what actually happened as we walked out the door to the parking lot holding hands until my hubby told me.

What I did notice was the young hetero couple at the Redbox staring at us on the way out. The girl was staring pretty hard but to tell you the truth, I’m kind of use to people looking at me weird most of my life. I’ve been done with being bothered by what people think for a little while now.

So, I ignored the staring and walked on. What I didn’t hear or notice was what Paul told me after we walked out the door and mostly out of earshot of that couple. One of them made a ‘throw up’ noise as we passed. Apparently it was loud enough for him to hear it but captain oblivious here totally missed it.

Paul was mostly irritated that people were so juvenile about it but was somewhat amused, or maybe confused, about their reaction to us. I put two and two together pretty quick and realized it was because we were holding hands and I pass as a male now. Until that moment it had never crossed my mind that maybe we shouldn’t while we’re out in public there? *shrugs*

Anyway, not only did they make that sound but followed us in their big (dare I say it) redneck truck all the way out of the parking lot. And again, Paul told me that they had followed us out to the car and got into their truck to follow us out. (That’s a little more scary typing it out than I originally thought it was, to be honest)

As I usually do when people act like assholes on the road, I just rolled my eyes and proceeded to ignore them as they rode my ass all the way out. I honestly have to say this is probably the first form of any type of harassment either of us have received (or cared to notice at least).

Moving on, there are two other things that I’ve been dealing with, family-wise, for a little while that I would call weird though, so here they are:

Kids Arguing Over My Gender

I’m out to my kids. Kind of. My youngest, age 8, doesn’t really understand yet and I’m not sure how to explain it any more thoroughly so I’m just being patient right now. The thing is, this always happens when we’re somewhere they shouldn’t be talking about it.

My oldest, age 11, suddenly says “Mom’s a boy” like it’s the coolest thing ever and my youngest chimes in like an irritated clock “No she’s not!” At the moment, the most I can ever do is facepalm and pull them aside to ask that they quit arguing.

I do need to have the gender vs. sex talk with my youngest soon though. I’ll let you know how that goes, but I’m going to bet he’ll roll his eyes and think I’m joking. I’ll get through eventually.

My oldest eased into the notion several months ago. To be fair, he’s had a sexuality course that discussed gender identity, sex, sexuality, and all that so it was easier for him to just accept it and move along.

I’ll update you on my progress with these two.

Not Being Out To Everyone

Now, before you start hating on me for not being out to everyone, I have my reasons. It’s not that I’m keeping it a secret. I still dress how I want to dress. I still present as male. I just don’t have that conversation with certain people in my family. Mainly because I feel they won’t understand no matter now I explain it and the last thing I want to do for an elderly member of my family is for them to be completely confused so late in life.

So for now, to them I’m still my dad’s daughter.

I never thought this would be that much of an issue (and you can already see where this is going can’t you?). Not until I decided to go to a funeral of a distant family member with this particular family member. I dress in a pair of dress pants and a button up black top and my work boots, which were my only black pair of shoes at the time.

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t know many of these relatives and friends of the family, but as soon as I got there I found myself wishing I had worn something a little more androgynous at the very least.

The person I went with introduced me as my dad’s daughter with my dead name (I kinda hate the label dead name but let’s save that for another time shall we?) and we both got the weirdest looks. I just stayed quiet for the most part. I don’t really like social situations, so why I was here at this funeral beyond family obligation was beyond me.

I will say I did have a good chuckle at the pastor that was there. He was close with my dad and this family member, so they talked for a while. The night of the funeral, he asked her twice who I was, and looked me up and down (I swear he even checked my shoes!) trying to figure me out. I probably took a little too much pleasure out of that. He never asked any more questions, and I said nothing.

The next day at the graveside service, I saw him again along with several family members that had been pretty ‘tense’ for lack of a better word the night before. They all seemed more relaxed. To be fair, I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans instead of the more masculine button up.

The entire ordeal was awkward, but I did enjoy being with my family member and because I went with her she was able to stay for the whole funeral (she doesn’t drive after dark).

So, that’s it for today. I guess I had a little more to get out than I had planned for this post. I’ll be back into videos next week.

Be sure to ask questions below and follow this blog via WordPress or RSS feed if you want to keep up with all the updates. Until next time!

OMG! I’m at it Again!

OMG! I did an update! Wanna know what’s even cooler?

It’s a video update! Why don’t you check it out?

Make sure to subscribe and like if you wanna see more videos. I hate to say it but more attention = move videos.

Quick note about the video: I’m a lil nervous at least most of the way though so bare (bear?) with me. As I do this more I’ll be more comfortable. I had to do it and just put it out there or it was never going to happen.