Packer Questions

I recently got a packer. Since I had a lot of questions and pre-conceived notions about them that were completely wrong, I decided to write this post regarding Packers. I’ve also had a question or two about them.

What Is a Packer?

A packer is a fake penis. You put it in your underwear to make it appear you have a package (thus the name packer…). They come in many shapes and sizes but I have noticed that the “Mr. Limpy” is the most common and most well liked in the transgender community from what I’ve seen.

Quick Terminology Lesson: Wearing a packer is referred to as “packing”. Can be used in a question like this:

Do you pack?

Yeah, I pack.

Though, you probably shouldn’t just go around asking ftms if they pack or not. It’s kind of like asking a cis guy how big their penis is. In normal conversation it’s typically not considered appropriate, however, in certain circumstances, I guess it could be?

How Much Are Packers?

I thought they would be expensive, but they’re really not. I got a medium size from Fleshlight and that one was about $15. The smaller size is about $12. You can also get them off Amazon by searching “Mr. Limpy packer” for about the same price. If you’re looking for underwear you can wear with them, has them, and they even have a few that come with a small or medium packer for free. The underwear there is about $20-$30.

If you are ftm and are unable to get a packer for whatever reason, message me privately.

How Do You Wear Your Packer?

I currently have a simple elastic strap with snaps to hold it in place. The strap was made by a friend of mine. If you’re interested in one, let me know. I’ll hook you up.

There are other ways to wear a packer that I haven’t tried. You can just put it in your regular underwear and position it, but I found it rarely stays where I want it. You can purchase special underwear that will hold it in place. You can also wear a strap. Some straps are like jock straps. This is not what I have currently.

Do You Like Your Current Packer?

I like it pretty good, but it took a lot of getting use to. I got the Medium sized Mr. Limpy. It looked much smaller in the picture when I ordered it and there was no length measurement on the product description. The medium size is approximately 8″ long. Obviously, it as modeled after either a hard cock, or a “show-er”. I couldn’t imagine what it would be if it grew hard otherwise! XD

If I had known that the medium was that big, I would have just ordered the small, which I thought was tiny. The small Mr. Limpy does have bigger balls than the larger sizes. I’m not sure what that’s about though.

What Are the Best Underwear for Packers?

If you are not using packer-specific underwear or a strap, I suggest briefs or boxer briefs to help hold it in place. If you have a strap, you can get away with boxers or going commando if you like.

Really, it’s a personal preference. My preference is currently boxer briefs. I like boxers better, but the free hanging that happens is something to get used to especially with a larger packer.

What Is an STP?

An STP is a Stand-to-Pee device. Most look like funnels for a car and should probably not be used out in public restrooms (because it looks weird if you’re standing at a urinal, peeing out of a funnel).

I don’t have an STP yet, but the one I want is the EZP. It is shaped like a real penis and is hollow inside so you can pee into it and it looks like you’re peeing out of a penis. It also doubles as a packer. Unfortunately, these are about $200. I’m currently saving up for one (and I will take donations to that cause). I’ll let you all know when I get one and try it out.

Have more questions? Contact me.


How Is Your Husband Dealing with My Transition?

I’ve talked extensively with Paul about this (and I hope to add an update soon with him writing it). Before I go into details, I would like to say that he is 100% behind me in my transition. I couldn’t ask for a better person in my life.

When I Came Out

I realized I was actually a guy about 2 years ago now. I had a hard time telling Paul. I wasn’t sure he was going to be cool with it. What if he didn’t want me anymore? I mean, the worst that could happen is that he’d kick me out, right? Well, in other situations it could be worse, but Paul doesn’t have a violent bone in his body.

I told Manderley first. She was kinda like “duh, about time you realized it.” That made me feel a little better, but I needed to come out to Paul before announcing it to the world. And really, at the time, announcing it to the world wasn’t on my mind. If Paul wouldn’t accept that I was transgender, I didn’t know what I was going to do.

It was Christmas Eve 2015 when I told him. We were about to start wrapping presents when I sent him a text from across the room. It went a little something like this:

Me: I’ve got something to tell you. Don’t freak out.

Paul: Sure, what is it?

Me: I’m transgender. I’m a guy.

Paul: Do you think that would make me love you any less?

Me: I love you too. Guess I’ll keep you. 🙂

Getting Use To “Him”

And ever since he’s been dealing with it all very well. I didn’t start HRT until June 2017, and it took Paul almost a full year to get the pronouns right. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, it’s just hardwired into your brain after you know someone for a while. (And that’s why I’m pretty chill about pronouns)

It really helps that Paul’s so chill about everything in life. Sometimes I feel he’s a little too relaxed, but he just goes with the flow. We’re still head over heels in love. He knows I’m the same person as before, just the gender identity has changed.

About Potential Surgeries

We have only discussed surgeries in passing. I’m not financially capable of getting top or bottom surgery done right now, and so there’s no real point in discussing it in length until we feel we can afford it. Last time we talked about it, Paul wasn’t really sure what he thought about me having either surgery.

I want top surgery first, and he seems pretty okay with that one. The bottom surgery is the one he’s really not sure about. Hell, I’m not even sure about it at the moment. I’d really need to do more research and talk with the doctor about it before I would even commit to having it.

Future Updates

This was created on 6/13/18. Future updates will be added as necessary. Thanks for reading! Let me know if you have any questions.

How Is Your Hair Growth?

I’ll try to keep this updated as much as possible. My hair growth is kind of all over the place right now (updated 6/13/18, 11 months on T). I’ll break it down for places on my body here:

Facial Hair

I currently have a fuzzy cop-stache that you can barely see growing in. The most notable hair growth on my face is the currently uneven split goatee on my chin. It’s currently about an inch and a half long and I haven’t shaved it in at least a month. I’m going to have to learn how to trim it soon.

Under Arms

It seems a little thicker than normal, but I don’t really have much to compare it to since I shaved a lot before my transition. The hairs are long and they sometimes get caught in my binder, which isn’t all that fun. I’ve been contemplating shaving them still, but I’m pretty undecided about that. It’s just a lot to get use to.


I’m starting to notice some random dark hairs growing out on my chest. They’re mostly around the nipples and are not very noticeable (except by me of course XD). I’m also slightly developing a happy trail along my abdomen, but it’s currently very faint.

Leg Hair

I guess it’s thicker than normal. I use to shave all the time, but when I didn’t, it was pretty thick and dark like it is now. As far as the hair on my feet, I’ve always had hobbit feet, so I feel this isn’t much change from the normal, I just don’t shave it anymore.

Crotch/Genitalia Area

It’s thick and curly as usual, I try to keep this shaved mainly because the hair is really just annoying. If it weren’t so damn thick in the first place I guess I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

My Thoughts on Shaving

Shaving certain parts and not others is a personal choice. It should not be defined by gender. If you wanna shave your face, shave your face. If you wanna shave your legs, shave your damn legs. Wanna shave your crotch? Go for it. It’s between you, and in some cases your partner (in case of preferences, but really, it’s up to you).


So a Guy Walked into the Gynecologist Office…

Hey everyone! Welcome to this weeks installment of my transition. Today, we’re going to be talking a little bit about ‘girl stuff’. I also have some pretty big news down there towards the end.

The OB/GYN Appointment

Last week, I had to go to my gynecologist for a repeat colposcopy (biopsy). My pap came back abnormal probably about 2 years ago, and so I was referred to this gynecologist for a follow-up.

First, he did another pap. When that also came back abnormal he suggested I do the colposcopy. I’ve been repeating them every 4-6 months as they keep coming back somewhere in the mild to moderate dysplasia rage. It was about to go away for a while, but it has started to resurface lately so we’re still watching it.

Seeing as how I pass now, this visit was quite amusing. I was a little nervous, to be honest. It’s not because of the doctor though. He’s cool about (and completely fascinated about) the transition and has at least one other patient that is transgender. My nervousness was mostly related to office staff and people in the waiting room.

I don’t like waiting rooms anyway because being packed into a small room full of (in this case, hormone-filled) strangers is just not my idea of fun, and OB/GYN waiting rooms make me feel slightly inadequate as a mother and woman (which I am not, so go fig!).

When I first got there, I picked a corner and sat down. After I dealt with the slightly pushy receptionist who always asks if I’d like to make a payment on my obnoxiously large balance and can’t seem to grasp $20 and $5/month is all she’s ever going to get from me, I ended up sitting right back where I had been sitting.

I wasn’t alone this time though. A pregnant girl was sitting right next to the seat with who, for sake of ease, I just assumed was her mom. (Just FYI I don’t outwardly assume anything anymore, or try not to, but as I ‘people-watch’ I like to make little stories in my head that probably aren’t true, but could be. I just don’t make that assumption in reality.)

When I sat back down I could feel the ‘uncomfortable’ coming off her. It inwardly made me both smile, and sigh. Yes, I’m a guy, but not (because the veil is lifted when they yell out “Elizabeth” at the doctor’s office), and guys alone at the gynecologist are just weird okay?

Anyway, I hid my own discomfort by playing and searching for information on my phone while I waited. Once I got called back, the damn nurse was uncomfortable too! I mean, to be fair, this nurse is not the normal nurse, but she didn’t seem to quite know what to do with me.

So, she had me sign the colposcopy consent form like I always have to do and asked me a few questions. I updated my meds, because I don’t think the T was on the list even though I’ve been taking it for 11 months now and we’ve talked about it. It may have been that I just didn’t consider it a ‘medication’?

After that, I get undressed from the waist down and go put the paper thing over my lap. The doctor comes in and that’s when I realize why he doesn’t usually make me wait long at all. He told me I got undressed fast because he was listening for the paper rattling! XD Alright, a little creepy, I have to admit, but in his line of work, I get it.

Of course, we sit there and bullshit while he’s doing his thing. The whole time the nurse, who is always in the room for the procedure, is still throwing out vibes of discomfort. My doctor, however, is totally chill.

As I lay there and we’re talking, I’m wondering how many of these we have to do before I can get them to just take the whole damn thing out (also known as a hysterectomy). It is part of the bottom surgery, and I’m half-hoping that this progresses to me needing one, but it probably won’t. (No, I don’t hope it gets worse, really. It would just be nice if my insurance would cover the procedure, right?)

Anyway, we finish up and I head out. I got my results a couple of days ago, which was fast. The pap was negative like it has been for a while, but the biopsy still showed mild-to-moderate dysplasia, so I’m scheduled to go back in September (because October is a crazy time at the shop and I can’t get away without losing much-needed work hours).

I’ll attempt to keep you all updated if anything changes.

Oh Happy Day!

Yesterday, as some of you probably saw on my Facebook post, I went to file for a name change. It was remarkably easy to accomplish, though it’s not finalized yet.

Because I had a lot of questions about this process, I’ll try to answer them here. Keep in mind that I am in Anderson County, Tennessee. The process could be different if you are in another location. I always recommend Googling “how to change your name in [your location]” when you’re ready to start the process yourself.

For me, it started with a trip to the courthouse in Clinton, the county seat, a few months ago. The lady at the front desk was really helpful and directed me up to the chancery court window on the 3rd floor.

At the window, I was met with some pretty grumpy people. If you’re looking to get your name changed, don’t let them freak you out. I’m pretty sure they just hate their jobs (I know I would hate their jobs XD). It took ‘grumpy lady’ (I’m sorry, I didn’t catch her name) a few seconds to ask if she could help me from way back behind her big, comfy desk.

I asked for the name change forms and she gave me some directions. Mainly they were, fill it out, go down to the front desk to get it notarized, then come back up to the window. She told me the fee was $175.95 (this fee varies drastically by county and state, btw). I knew I didn’t have the money that day, but I went ahead and got the form to fill out.

The form itself is surprisingly simple. You write your current name a couple of times, give the reason for your name change, and then write down the name that you wish to change it to.

I labored and worried about the reason for a long time. Hell, I labored over the middle name for well over a year, and still hadn’t picked a middle name when I went to get the form.

I finally picked a middle name last week. Well, okay, 2 middle names. It’s Kamui-Ryu. The hyphen is in there just so I can get the whole name on everything. It loosely means dragon god (or god dragon in the order that they are in). My spirit animal is a dragon, and Kamui I got from an anime a while back. I almost named London “Kamui” when he was born, so decided to use it.

After you fill out the form, you sign it in front of the notary (sweet front desk lady can do this) and take it back up to the chancery court window, where they process the fees and get you set up with a court date. This is what I did yesterday with Paul and Manderley by my side. I definitely wouldn’t be at this point without them.

So, I get to the courthouse with the form and talk to the sweet front desk lady. She’s more than happy to help out and I sign the book where she keeps a record of her notary stuff. Then directs me up to the third floor again, because I’ve forgotten by now where I’m going anyway.

I was nervous, and therefore ditzy, as I made my way up to the third floor. We went through the metal detector after dumping all our metal and electronics into the baskets.

We found out that my aluminum chainmail does not set it off, even with the stainless steel lobster clasps, so that was interesting. They’re also non-magnetic. Anyway, I digress.

Once that was done, we headed to the chancery court window and again it took the same ‘grumpy lady’ a few seconds to help us. She was still the same level of “I-hate-my-job” grumpy, but took the form and put it in. I’m not sure what she had to do on the computer with it but I felt like we had to wait forever! (She was probably making sure I’m not a convicted felon or have warrants out for my arrest)

When she came back, I paid and then we picked a court date. I learned later that the chancery court judge takes a lot of time off when the kids are out for the summer, so keep that in mind. Chancery court is held on Mondays and Fridays in Anderson County, and the next available court date was July 9th.

She put me down for it and told me that court starts and 9am and they would not be giving me a call. Probably because they add me to a paper desk calendar which I found odd in the 21st century, but hey, who am I to judge?

Best thing is ‘grumpy lady’ actually smiled and was cheerful towards the end. I was so happy that I wished her a great day with enthusiasm! LOL

After that, we went to have a celebratory lunch at Waffle House.

Answering Questions

So, I’ve been asked quite a few questions lately about my transition and I love to answer all of them in long format. In order to do that and not make this an insanely long blog post, I’ve created a FAQs page that will have a list of questions and answers for them.

If you have any questions about my transition, please look there first. If you don’t see what you’re looking for or feel there needs to be more information about a specific question, please let me know! Here’s a link to the FAQs page again.

Take care!

Hey Again! Concerns and Other Things Going On in My World…

So, I’ve been quiet for longer than I planned on. I recorded a video about a month ago but never could get around to editing it. We’ve just moved into an apartment and it has been a little bit more of a challenge to get back to a normal routine than I had expected.

I’ll be sharing that video with you in the near future (probably inside of another, newer video). If anyone has any video editing capabilities and would like to volunteer some quit editing services once a week I’d definitely be interested in talking with you about it. Just message me on social media or comment below.

HRT (Testosterone treatments)

Anyway, lets see. I’ve been on HRT for 11 months as of today! I had to look back at the blog to find out because I thought I was at the most 9 months along.

One month from now I will have been on Testosterone for a whole year. Looking back I know there has been a couple of months, inconsecutively, where I had not taken my shot due to complications.

Once, I had problems with getting the prescription filled and had to change pharmacies. Then, once I had the prescription I couldnt get the pharmacy to understand which needles I needed. The needles thing has been an ongoing frustration that I go through almost every month or two.

The second time I was off my HRT was right after we moved. My legs were swelling and I was freaking out that my blood pressure was out of control again. I went to the doctor who did some bloodwork and it came back that my red blood cell count was high. So I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood about it and they said I was actually under the levels that they looked for. Apparently the lab was still looking at the levels for a female.

I did have to change my diet around a little and stop taking Ibuprofen in order to get everything back to normal but that was 3 weeks between doctor’s visits where I didn’t take my T because I was scared it would make things worse. Luckily, I was able to resume my T on my normal dose.

Other Things I’ve Been Up To

Etsy Shop

I’ve had the chainmaille Etsy shop for a while now but it took me almost a year to make my first sale. I ignored it for a while but came back to it to work on promoting it and making changes that will get more eyes on my stuff. I’ve made 2 more sales in the last 2 months and that doesn’t include what I’ve sold outside of Etsy (thanks all!)

I’ve decided to devote most of my chainmaille to helping an LGBT non-profit organization. After some deliberation I decided to go with the Trevor Project which helps with suicide prevention in the LGBT community. If you want to know more, just click the link.

The reason I picked the Trevor Project instead of TEP is that the Trevor Project is national and would include the areas that all my customers are from, not just Tennessee. I may offer the option to choose later on for those that purchase in person, but right now I don’t make enough to donate to multiple non-profits without it getting weird on my end. (With my ADHD I have to keep things pretty simple)

A Possible Second Etsy Shop

Because I don’t have enough to do, right?

I’ve always wanted to sell t-shirts online, but couldn’t figure out how to purchase and deal with all the stuff you need to have on hand to do it yourself. I’ve found a company that creates the t-shirt for you (and integrates with Etsy). I’ve done some research and they actually pay their employees well (not some sweatshop in China) and they allow me to completely brand the product and packaging to my business. That’s pretty amazing!

So, I’ve come up with this crazy concept, and while I don’t want to reveal too much, let’s just say the storytelling will be EPIC. To give you a hint, the shop name is EatenByDragons. I kind of can’t wait to get it open!

I’m having a little bit of a creative block though so getting the shop open and launched is proving more challenging than it should be. Any ideas would be appreciated, and if I use it, I would be able to give credit for the concept and possibly order a shirt for you. The theme is nerdy, D&D, table top role play, and dragons, of course.

No More Therapy

I cant really tell you if this is a good or bad thing yet, but here’s what happened. My therapist’s daughter graduated college and she retired to move up north with her. I’m totally happy for her and think that’s really awesome! But I also feel a small hole in my normality if that makes any sense.

It’s been an adjustment getting use to not going to therapy now that I’m so close. I miss having that weekly guidance and encouragement and am scared I’ll go off the rails so I’m constantly second guessing life choices.

It also didn’t really help that a really good friend of mine from high school killed himself not two weeks after my final session. I barely got through that.

Other Hormone Related Things

Voice, Mannerisms, Hair Growth

My voice has been getting steadily deeper and I’m kind of glad to be taking the summer off from any choirs I was in. My voice has been cracking pretty consistently.

Also, with my voice and mannerisms I’m starting to feel more “gay male” and less “girl pretending”. In this case, what dysphoria I had is easing. Shaving off my scraggly goatee for a funeral was pretty devastating. I didn’t realize how much it would affect me and I almost wish I hadn’t done it at all. At least the hair grew back quickly.


After I shaved I had people assume I was female a lot more often. It kind of felt nice to have a smooth chin, but I also missed tugging on the hairs occasionally. It was pretty irritating that I did pass while it was smooth though. Needless to say, I probably won’t shave for a while.

I Got a Packer!

(Warning! If you don’t want to read about fake penises, I suggest you skip this section)

Yeah, so packers aren’t really that expensive (unless you’re going for a stand-to-pee version) so I picked one up off the Fleshlight website. You can get them off Amazon and stuff. The best one I’ve seen so far is the Mr. Limpy, which is made and sold by several different companies.

I got the Medium sized one, and I have to say, it had a hard time getting it to not look like I had a boner all the time! From base to head I think he’s about 8 inches and comes with a smaller set of balls than the small size. I don’t know many guys who are 8 inches limp, but at least this thing is squishy!

I have a friend that makes packer straps so if anyone out there wants one, let me know and I’ll hook you up.

Hell, if there’s anyone out there not able to get a packer or a binder let me know. We will make that shit happen somehow.


So, a couple of months ago I got 2 new binders for my wardrobe. I now have a grey one, a black one, and a white one. I get my binders from currently, but we’re considering finding the material to make them.

Again, if you need one, let me know.

Alright, I’ll Stop Rambling…

For now… 😉

Until my turn around time for videos can decrease into a few days, I’ll be typing up blog posts. The goal, once again, is to write once a week. Hopefully I can align it to my T shots which are also weekly.

If you have any questions, please ask! No question is stupid or offensive if it is asked for the purpose of understanding. I don’t get bent out of shape about pronouns or questions or incorrect terminology. If you don’t know you don’t know. I want to help educate and inspire so please just ask. Also, questions also keep me from droning in about myself endlessly, I’m sure you might enjoy the change eventually. XD

You can contact me via the comments below or private message me on social media:

Instagram: @zenlegend

I don’t post a lot in this Instagram account but I will answer messages fairly quickly. (Usually the posts are accidents from not switching back from my chainmaille account)

Facebook: Zen Lane

Being Out and Some Interesting Social Interactions

Hello everyone and welcome to another exciting installment of my Transgender blog where I answer questions about what it’s like as a transgender and what happens through the transition.

I had an entire, huge video actually planned out (especially after I winged it in the most horrible fashion last week! XD). And then, of course, as all things that I jump in and start, there was a kink to my plans. SPRING BREAK!

The kids are off from school, so I have little to no free time to be alone and to be honest It’s going to drive me a little crazy.

I took a suggestion to heart about just having one or both children with me on my video this week, but to tell you the truth, I chickened out. Being in front of the camera is nerve-racking enough at the moment.

So.. while you won’t be seeing my cute as fuck kids this week, I would like to talk about them and what it’s like to have a family while going through the transition. I do plan on bringing them into the videos at some point, just not today.

My Husband & Coming Out

If you wanna learn how it all started, I’ll be posting that soon. I’m not going to bore you by typing my whole coming out to my husband at the moment though.

I will let you know that my husband has been fully supportive of the change from day one. None of my physical changes scare him (at least not yet! XD) but he seems to enjoy my overall happier, more confident mood.

I had to bring up the fact that he might be considered ‘gay’ at some point (cuz while I still have my lady parts, I present as male). It wasn’t something he fully considered, but it seems he doesn’t really care. Love is love and people is people to him. He’s a rare bird in today’s world, and I love that about him. ❤

There’s one recent story I have to tell though. Some background first: Where I currently live is a very small, some would say backwards town. Let’s just say that not all of them have caught up to society and social acceptance as it really is today (I could go further, but that’s all I have to say on the matter at the moment).

So, in this town, we were at the Walmart together and since we’ve been married for 10+ years, I don’t give holding hands a second thought. I was totally oblivious to what actually happened as we walked out the door to the parking lot holding hands until my hubby told me.

What I did notice was the young hetero couple at the Redbox staring at us on the way out. The girl was staring pretty hard but to tell you the truth, I’m kind of use to people looking at me weird most of my life. I’ve been done with being bothered by what people think for a little while now.

So, I ignored the staring and walked on. What I didn’t hear or notice was what Paul told me after we walked out the door and mostly out of earshot of that couple. One of them made a ‘throw up’ noise as we passed. Apparently it was loud enough for him to hear it but captain oblivious here totally missed it.

Paul was mostly irritated that people were so juvenile about it but was somewhat amused, or maybe confused, about their reaction to us. I put two and two together pretty quick and realized it was because we were holding hands and I pass as a male now. Until that moment it had never crossed my mind that maybe we shouldn’t while we’re out in public there? *shrugs*

Anyway, not only did they make that sound but followed us in their big (dare I say it) redneck truck all the way out of the parking lot. And again, Paul told me that they had followed us out to the car and got into their truck to follow us out. (That’s a little more scary typing it out than I originally thought it was, to be honest)

As I usually do when people act like assholes on the road, I just rolled my eyes and proceeded to ignore them as they rode my ass all the way out. I honestly have to say this is probably the first form of any type of harassment either of us have received (or cared to notice at least).

Moving on, there are two other things that I’ve been dealing with, family-wise, for a little while that I would call weird though, so here they are:

Kids Arguing Over My Gender

I’m out to my kids. Kind of. My youngest, age 8, doesn’t really understand yet and I’m not sure how to explain it any more thoroughly so I’m just being patient right now. The thing is, this always happens when we’re somewhere they shouldn’t be talking about it.

My oldest, age 11, suddenly says “Mom’s a boy” like it’s the coolest thing ever and my youngest chimes in like an irritated clock “No she’s not!” At the moment, the most I can ever do is facepalm and pull them aside to ask that they quit arguing.

I do need to have the gender vs. sex talk with my youngest soon though. I’ll let you know how that goes, but I’m going to bet he’ll roll his eyes and think I’m joking. I’ll get through eventually.

My oldest eased into the notion several months ago. To be fair, he’s had a sexuality course that discussed gender identity, sex, sexuality, and all that so it was easier for him to just accept it and move along.

I’ll update you on my progress with these two.

Not Being Out To Everyone

Now, before you start hating on me for not being out to everyone, I have my reasons. It’s not that I’m keeping it a secret. I still dress how I want to dress. I still present as male. I just don’t have that conversation with certain people in my family. Mainly because I feel they won’t understand no matter now I explain it and the last thing I want to do for an elderly member of my family is for them to be completely confused so late in life.

So for now, to them I’m still my dad’s daughter.

I never thought this would be that much of an issue (and you can already see where this is going can’t you?). Not until I decided to go to a funeral of a distant family member with this particular family member. I dress in a pair of dress pants and a button up black top and my work boots, which were my only black pair of shoes at the time.

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t know many of these relatives and friends of the family, but as soon as I got there I found myself wishing I had worn something a little more androgynous at the very least.

The person I went with introduced me as my dad’s daughter with my dead name (I kinda hate the label dead name but let’s save that for another time shall we?) and we both got the weirdest looks. I just stayed quiet for the most part. I don’t really like social situations, so why I was here at this funeral beyond family obligation was beyond me.

I will say I did have a good chuckle at the pastor that was there. He was close with my dad and this family member, so they talked for a while. The night of the funeral, he asked her twice who I was, and looked me up and down (I swear he even checked my shoes!) trying to figure me out. I probably took a little too much pleasure out of that. He never asked any more questions, and I said nothing.

The next day at the graveside service, I saw him again along with several family members that had been pretty ‘tense’ for lack of a better word the night before. They all seemed more relaxed. To be fair, I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans instead of the more masculine button up.

The entire ordeal was awkward, but I did enjoy being with my family member and because I went with her she was able to stay for the whole funeral (she doesn’t drive after dark).

So, that’s it for today. I guess I had a little more to get out than I had planned for this post. I’ll be back into videos next week.

Be sure to ask questions below and follow this blog via WordPress or RSS feed if you want to keep up with all the updates. Until next time!

OMG! I’m at it Again!

OMG! I did an update! Wanna know what’s even cooler?

It’s a video update! Why don’t you check it out?

Make sure to subscribe and like if you wanna see more videos. I hate to say it but more attention = move videos.

Quick note about the video: I’m a lil nervous at least most of the way though so bare (bear?) with me. As I do this more I’ll be more comfortable. I had to do it and just put it out there or it was never going to happen.

Days 11-23: 4 Weeks on T and Interesting Things Are Happening

So, I've taken two shots since the last time I posted (as of today is been 4 weeks). I'm going to go ahead and apologize for that just to get it off my chest. There have been a few changes pertaining to my transition but I just have not got the time to make a post until now. There are also been quite a few changes in my personal life that are not necessarily involved in the transition.

Because this blog is supposed to be all about the transition, let's start with those changes.

Skin, Hair, and Temperature

My skin is definitely more oily than before I started T.

I have also noticed a few more sick stray hairs on my chin and jaw line that so I have not normally been there. I did not get a picture before shaving them off but I can tell you this: they were very dark and very thick. I will continue to shave until it appears that I might actually have a full growth of facial hair. Once that happens, I will probably experiment with growing it out just to see how it looks.

Meanwhile, I'm not getting nearly as cold as I usually do with the air conditioner on this time of year. As hot as it's been, though, I don't see how anyone could be cold even with the air conditioner on. Our new air-conditioner, installed last year, At work is incredibly cold. Before I started taking T, are used to have to put on a long sleeve shirt just to withstand the cold. After T, i've been stripping down to my binder a lot. It doubles as a tank top, so I'm not indecent or anything. LOL

This is new for me because I am always, always cold.

Growing Pains?!

This last week and a half has been pretty painful. Shortly after my last post here, I started aching all over my body. This wasn't like the pain I usually have in my neck from the arthritis. I vaguely remember this kind of pain as growing pains from when I was quite a bit younger.

No one really told me that there would be a pain and aching throughout my muscles, joints, and bones. But there is. Ibuprofen helped.

It makes sense though, right? If my body is changing as if it's going through puberty why would I not have growing pains that go along with going through puberty?

Overall the aches and pains are not that bad. They are slightly annoying, kind of like when my body is so stressed it won't relax. Still, is a small price to pay to feel more at home in my body.

My First Period on T (and other sexual things)

Really, though, what else do I actually call this section?
Disclaimer: If you do not wish to hear about some bodily functions that are sexual in nature, SKIP THIS SECTION. I will try not to go into a lot of detail, but I feel it's important to share as much as I can. Alternately, if you have questions about more detail, I am willing to talk one-on-one.
So, this last week, my period happened (menstrual period for those of you unsure). Some reading this might get jealous but I have never had bad cramps with my periods before. This time it was different. I was doubled over in pain several times for the first 2 days. It also lasted longer and I'm guessing it was because my body is starting to wonder what's up. There's conflicting hormones in here now.

Has anyone else been through this already? I'd be interested to hear how your periods were during this time.

In one of my previous posts I talked about the side effects of T. I mentioned that the sex drive was suppose to increase. Well, this past week it finally happened. Over the last year or so, I was starting to feel like I could be starting pre-menopause early (just my luck, right?). My sex drive was pretty much gone and I felt bad about it. I mean… I still enjoyed write and reading erotica like normal, but sex itself just didn't interest me all that much. I wasn't sure how to approach it.

I can't really blame it on dysphoria because I didn't really know, though it might have subliminally been part of it. I didn't feel sexy or wanted (totally in my head, but that's a story for another time). I was also distracted with a lot of other things in my life.

My sex drive is now in high gear at least half the time. Idle hands can be the worst culprits! XD

In other news, no dryness or noticeable growth down there yet. And that's all I'm going to say for now.


So, I have a major problem with communicating with people. Typing here is not nearly as stressful as speaking with words coming out of my mouth face-to-face with another person or persons. Again, over the last few years I didn't feel like I could explain things to my husband in a way that he would understand. I thought he might hate me or make light of or dismiss everything that was going on in my head. Partially because he's so loving and supportive I never get a passionate answer from him either way. And because he's so laid back, a simple yes or no is easier for him than a lengthy discussion.

I also didn't want him to feel bad for not being able to help me when I was down or depressed. One of my biggest fears is disappointing or hurting people.

Getting to my point, I've felt more comfortable talking to him about things that I normally wouldn't bring up. Over the last couple of days, his acceptance of my transition has started to actually sink in. I feel better about sharing with him what is going on in my head: good or bad.

Life Happening

Now here are some general things that have been happening to me over the last two weeks.

We've been crazy busy at the shop. There are a lot of custom projects that need to get done in a short amount of time and the alterations are coming in fairly steadily as well. Business is good.

A few bouts of depression. Mostly happening when I'm home and feel I should be working. This is usual for my ADHD brain.

Also had a bout of inspiration. I'm now working on a few things and it should be going public in the next couple of weeks. I'm pretty excited!

That's it for today. Speaking of today. Some stuff has happened in the political realm today that was shocking and backwards to say the least. I don't want to go in depth about it now, but if you'd like to help support your trans friends in this trying time, you can check out TomboyX who is donating to The Trevor Project for every pair of undies sold! They're the most amazingly comfortable underwear I've ever worn!

Take care all. Have questions? Email me it comment below.

Days 8-10: Second Dose, Singing, and Update

Day 8: Wednesday

Wednesday was injection day. I got to take it right before choir practice and I did it all by myself!

We are practicing a large amount of music for inservice in August and Wednesday was the first rehearsal. Currently, I’m technically a mezzo-soprano, and I’ve been singing soprano in the choir up until now. My range usually goes all the way up to a high A (or B if I’m really warmed up). I can also get pretty low. I’ve enjoyed my nearly 3 octave range.

I know it won’t be right away that my voice changes but I felt myself being a little more skittish of the higher notes. a high F came out loud and clear. When moving up to the notes above that, my throat tightened. I could have warmed up a little more in the higher range but I still felt a little self-conscious about it.

It also could have been my allergies. I mowed part of my large yard Wednesday morning. It was a bad allergy day before that even started.

Other than that, I haven’t really had any issues with my voice. My throat has been a little sore, but again, that could just be from the allergies.

On another note, my skin is definitely oilier. Not by much, but just enough to be able to tell a difference. It’s getting oilier faster.

I’m also not getting cold as much as I use to and I’m sweating a little more. While that wasn’t really on the list, I do wonder if it could be caused by the Testosterone.

Day 9: Thursday

VERY busy day at work. Had a little bit of trouble starting my car, so I decided to switch parking places with my husband again to see if that would help. (My car needs a new fuel pump, which is causing me some issues on inclines)

All the fittings went well and I got some alterations done. None of this is really all that relevant to the transition of course. There just wasn’t much to report on Thursday except for the fact that I couldn’t sleep.

Day 10: Friday

Friday is going good. Another busy day at work. Lots of fittings. After a long day at work, I’m currently winding down as I write this post to catch you all up.

I still need to grow enough balls to record my voice talking and singing for you all. It’s as much of me being shy and chicken as it is finding a good time to get alone and sing. Also, I need to pick a freaking song to sing. Any suggestions from you all? Leave them in the comments below! (or comment on Facebook, that works too)


Day 5-7: Social Interactions

Anyone that knows me personally knows I’m a full blown introvert. Might be hard to see considering I’m putting everything out here on this blog but trust me, typing it on my computer screen is a lot easier than giving all this information out face-to-face.

Day 5: Sunday

We went to play a table-top game called Shadowrun at a friend’s house. There were 6 kids there all together as we played and that turned out to be intense to say the least.

I had to be around a few people that either don’t know about my transition or just didn’t care to talk about it. I don’t feel the need to bring it up in most social situations unless it’s brought up or becomes an issue. I feel that everyone should be treated as a person, no matter their gender.

The misnaming and misgendering is not something that I really feel is important at this moment. This is mainly because I don’t hang around these people enough to really care what they think or do. Also, I’m not going to start an argument in someone else’s house when I’ve been invited over.

I’m still me.

Day 6: Monday

I was back to work today. But first! I had to go to an appointment with my general doctor.

The best part about this visit was that I had not seen them in 6 months, and I had not told them anything about the transition.

The visit was just a check up for my blood pressure medicine and the other meds in general. My blood pressure was the lowest it’s been in years (112/80!!) and I’m starting to wonder if it’s because of the testosterone or because of me feeling more emotionally balanced.

After my blood pressure and everything was checked, I let the nurse know that I was on Testosterone for my transition. She blinked at me. It was like a deer in headlights. She put it in and let me know to tell the nurse practitioner (I see her instead of the doctor at this office, which is fine).

When the NP came in, I told her. She gave me the deer in headlights look as well. I forgot my T at the shop, so I told her I’d email her the information on it when I got a chance.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. In all reality, I probably should have talked to my family doctor first before starting the treatments. I just never felt like they would know what to do. I wasn’t even sure how they’d react until I went Monday.

They said nothing negative, which is good, but I have a feeling I may end up finding another doctor in the future. They really had no idea how to react or what to do. I’m sure transitioning is not something a lot of patients do in my county. Or if they do, they don’t really tell anyone and might even go out of town to see a doctor of any kind.

Work on Monday was packed with stuff. I got a lot of work done on some custom projects I needed to take care of.

Day 7: Tuesday

Today is now Tuesday. I’d apologize for not posting since Saturday, but really I was just busy (obviously). Today went well. I worked on the custom project and had the fitting for it today.

I did manage to introduce myself as Zen without missing a beat though. 🙂

I’m pretty sure people having to repeat my name because it’s unusual will get a tad annoying, but it’ll be okay. I guess those of you with unique names have that problem all the time, huh?

Emotions and Summarizing

My emotions have been pretty even since that little dip Saturday. I feel more comfortable in my own skin now that I don’t have to pretend to be a girl all the time. I did wear a women’s cut t-shirt to work today. It’s one of the few t-shirts that was form fitting and looked good on me. I decided not to look in the mirror because I didn’t want to know if I looked too much like a girl in it. XD