Hey everyone! It’s been a while… again! So I’ve been promising you bi-weekly posts and stuff, even constant updates on Twitter. To be honest, I promise this with the best of intentions, but I fall short on consistency every single time.
I’ve done quite a bit of journaling over the last 3 weeks and I’ve come to a conclusion about why I can’t stay focused or come up with content to write here. What I have found is that I feel quite awkward talking about myself as the main topic of this blog. There are only a few days in which I actually feel like I should be center stage. I’m pretty introverted. While writing on the blog gives me a quiet space to express myself, I find that talking about ME isn’t what I really want to do.
About My Transition
First, let’s talk a little bit about my transition. I’m still on my half dose of HRT (.25ml) and it’s pretty shit. Overall I’m doing well, but I’m constantly tired, and I really struggle when I miss a shot one week. I also seem to have more acne when I’m on a lower dose of T and that is quite frustrating.
I’ve started getting exercise more often, and by started I really mean the last 2 days. It’s helping me feel more human and ready to face the world (something else is also helping with that which I’ll get to in a minute).
I’ve got more chest hair than I would really like, but I think it’s mostly due to my chest dysphoria. I’m not comfortable at all with my chest right now. Binders are usually pretty comfortable, but I have days where all I want it out.
I’d push for top surgery, but I have no way of financially taking care of the surgery, much less the month or more that I’ll have to recover, completely not working. We’re barely making it right now, and the thought of the burden of paying for the surgery and not being able to work and help provide for the family is a real concern.
Thinking about this is pretty depressing and fuels the dysphoria even more. I mostly spend time trying to work on ways to make more money, and I usually prioritize that over sitting down to write a blog post.
I don’t feel comfortable asking for help or money at all. I won’t go into details about why that is, though I have done some soul searching and figured it out. I’m working on it, but I’ll probably never be comfortable with it. I’d really rather work for it than it being given to me.
But that, in a nutshell, is how I’m doing transition-wise. That’s about all I have to report ever. The blood pressure seems to be under control so once I can get the chance to go back to the doctor I should be able to get my HRT increased again.
What I’ve Been Doing
I’ve been doing a lot of things, but I want to focus on one major thing that has impacted my life and is influencing where I’m looking to go with this blog.
Let me back up a few years ago. I’m looking for a meaningful way to make money online. I wanted to blog, but I wanted to help other people. I followed a lot of blogs that taught how to blog (because that’s a trend), and I follow a lot of bloggers that are helping people be better people. It’s a thing called Life Coaching.
Now, these people charge a lot of money to work one-on-one with them so that they can straighten out their lives and do better. The promises of being successful, high self-esteem, etc. are very enticing. There are even business life coaches that will coach you into entrepreneurship or a better career.
Personally, I was longing for that but was skeptical. Even their group courses were priced very far out of my range. I was sure you already had to be successful and have your shit together to afford to get your shit together and be successful.
Then I realized I could be a life coach without any training really, but I wasn’t sure how to get started. A lot of life coaches are accredited, though, and that’s actually preferred. Once again I was facing huge costs for classes on becoming a life coach.
Fast forward to last year. I found this addictive site called Udemy.com. It’s a place where just about anyone can create a video course about whatever they want and make money off of it. Now, video scares the crap out of me and I’d never get through the editing process because I hate listening to my voice.
However, this website provided the much-needed distraction of learning about everything under the sun I could ever think to learn. Prices start for over $100 normally, but Udemy is always having a sale where you can get all of the classes you want for $10-$20 each.
Side plug (with no affiliation!): I highly recommend using it as most of the courses on Udemy are very good quality. Take some time reading a mix of good and bad reviews (but remember, they ask people to leave a review about 4 videos in and I’ve noticed most bad reviews are because the people left a premature review).
Anyway, back to my story. I kept learning and learning all these different things, which were helpful, but I would change gears often. Then I started finding Life coaching accreditation courses on Udemy. I read through a bunch of them and finally settled on a course from Kain Ramsey (I’m not going to lie, it came down to his accent. I could listen to him talk all day).
Now, I’m still going through this course because I dropped it a while back, thinking I wasn’t good enough to do life coaching. I was afraid of the future. In the last month, I picked it back up and the next few sections covered limiting beliefs. I was floored at the work I had to do going through it.
I’ll admit that I wasn’t exactly prepared, but it made me work through every limiting belief that I had, figure out why and when I started feeling like this, and showed me how to turn that thinking around.
I was messed up for a full day. I actually hated myself for having those limiting beliefs because they were stupid. Basically, I hated myself for hating myself. When I woke up the next day, I didn’t feel the hatred toward myself. I felt like I actually liked myself. Like I was good enough to do what I wanted in life. That I was worthy to have what I actually wanted. It felt like I could breathe again. It was a turning point for me.
This turning point happened just over a week ago, but the feeling was pretty incredible. I’ve had more than two years of therapy to try to get myself to not think I was insignificant and could actually do what I set my mind to. My ADHD had completely ruined that for me. Being diagnosed was a big turning point in the way I viewed myself, but it only explained part of what was going on.
Now, I’m not saying that therapy doesn’t work and life coaching does. That is something that is determined by the individual. Looking back, I was probably using the therapist as a crutch. I never missed a session because I was addicted to it. I’m not certain what I was addicted to, maybe being able to talk about myself without being interrupted or criticized for an hour.
Anyway, I digress…
I started this life coaching journey to make money helping people but it doesn’t feel right to charge a ton of money to help people out. I can’t afford to have a life coach but I’m doing the work through this training. I’m also being given the knowledge to share.
To be honest I’m still not sure what that looks like for me and this blog. I just know that I want to help others be the best version of themselves. I want you to feel like you’re worthy of love and the things you want and need. I want to guide you on a journey to help understand yourself and the world and realize what is important.
Right now, I’m looking at writing blog posts that will help you with things like beliefs, self-esteem, self-worth, direction, goals, truth, etc. It will be completely free so you can do the work yourself and hopefully benefit from it.
After I’m accredited, I may end up writing a book or two. I may even charge for one-on-one sessions, but if I do I want to make it affordable to get life coaching. I want to help people who are actually struggling paycheck-to-paycheck like me and my family and friends.
I’ve written a lot up there, so thanks for staying with me. It’s probably a little confusing so I’ll sum it up.
- I’m wanting to change my blog from a me-centric transgender blog to a life coaching help blog.
- I want to make all information free for everyone who wants it.
- I need comments and questions from you about this change
This is still a vague concept that I’m struggling to make solid right now, but if you have any ideas about any of the content or work I should do on the blog, let me know.
Until next time. さようなら (Goodbye)